So – I spoke much too soon a couple weeks ago when I said I was done with the stones. I am still attempting to pass what feels like a very large stone in my right side that is intent on taking it’s sweet ass time to pass. I am still in bed most of the day and in a wild amount of pain. I’ve gotten surprisingly used to it but cannot do much, stand or walk around for more than a few minutes.
I want to share with you my process. When I wrote the last time I was still disconnected from the true purpose of this experience. Seeing it as little more than a medical emergency that I needed to be over and done with NOW so I can get back to work!
Pushed beyond my physical and mental limits I am now embracing this for what it is. An initiation. A purification of ancient and recent fear, rage, grief, jealousy, fear of deception and resentment. Many of you know that I was severely sexually and psychologically abused as a child and that much of my personal journey has been about healing my relationship with men and clearing all the trauma from my cellular memory. Having brain cancer in 2010 gave me a massive opportunity to accelerate that process. Huge blessing disguised as a huge tumor. The wisdom I gained from that experience is guiding me again now as I heal layers I have been unready and unable to access until this time.
I am feeling every heartbreak of my life. Finding the courage to break down the walls I have built to protect my heart. One stone at a time 😉 Feeling so humbled in every way. I’ve been brought to my knees in wild surrender and desperate prayer as the catharsis violently tears away at all that binds me. I am forced by fire to summon the courage within myself and to engage my willingness to forgive. To forgive all abuses of my heart and body. Most importantly to forgive myself. To bless the experiences for their valuable lessons and to finally let go of the hurt. To see that anytime we are disillusioned we cultivate discernment and wisdom. To create space inside myself and my life for true intimacy and love. To finally feel safe in every cell to be vulnerable and to trust the masculine. I have always found it so therapeutic to expose myself and my process with full transparency. It almost feels silly to a certain point, now. To hold onto anger as a way to protect myself. To hold onto anger as an attempt to hurt the other person. Like the old saying goes, holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick… In my case it’s been drinking poison and forming little jagged stones that literally rip you open as they pass through.
I cry every day. I have cried every type of cry. At times of birth like pain literally screaming and crying. Moaning. Sounding. Grunting. Growling. Breathing fire. Convulsing and spasming as every muscle in body contacted in searing pain. Allowing it to push me into a state of trance and to enter the realm of peace through the acceptance of unbearable suffering. What has been most beautiful is the quiet tears of joy, gratitude and love that always follow the most merciless moments of pain and purging.
Instead of praying for the pain to stop – blessing and releasing all RESISTANCE to the pain. Breathing into it and allowing it to wash over me and through me. Creating a deeper intimacy with my body and greater trust in her wisdom. Giving thanks to the stones. Loving them. Trusting that this is exactly what I need right now. Allowing myself to rest. To receive. To focus on myself and not work for the longest time in my career so far. To ask for help even though it’s scary and uncomfortable sometimes. (see? Healing all kinds of old stuff)
To be patient and gentle with myself and to take pressure off to be done with this already. To remember many things I know but have forgotten in recent years.
Any of you who are astrologically minded will need take only one look at my chart to see how obvious this is. My Saturn return starts this year. I have Saturn/mars transits, Jupiter/chiron transits. Pluto/mars transits… Need I say more? To sum up: death and rebirth, transformation, purification, elimination of all the no longer serves. Anger, rage, sexuality, aggression, expression of will. Constriction, depression, effort, fear, doubt, discipline, mastery. Expansion, healing of the oldest wounds, initiation, blessings and sacred gifts and wisdom.
This is a Rite of Passage in my life. This is my ceremony. I am transforming from Maiden to Mother… And because I do not feel the call or desire to have children, I am giving birth to crystals instead 🙂 I’m giving birth to a stronger and more embodied version myself. To freedom. To intimacy. To wisdom. To forgiveness. To compassion. To the next chapter of my life and work. Although I do not know how long this last one will take to pass, I so look forward to bringing all of this insight, clarity and empowerment into my sessions and fully reaping what I have sewn. I have gained so much empathy that I never had before (I had never dealt with physical pain before this) and am grateful for the way this will make me more effective in my work as well.
Thank you for reading all of this. Thank you for your support, patience and love. If you all could hold space for me and see this last one finally passing I would be so grateful for your magic. Thank you all for being part of my life and my healing journey. Giving thanks for all it’s joys and pains ❤ I surrender.