Twice now in my life I have healed the “un-healable” by changing my mind and trusting in my body. People say to me all the time when they hear my stories that it’s a miracle. That healing brain cancer and herpes is miraculous. I’m here to tell you that it isn’t. It is just what happens when we truly understand why we get sick and how we get better. Everything you need to heal is already inside of you – just waiting to be activated. Know thyself and you will be cured.
I am very excited to share with you how I have cured myself of an out of control herpes virus after 5 straight years of constant breakouts. I only ever had them on my face and those who know me, know what a traumatic and all consuming experience it was for me. I know that so many of you struggle with this condition as well and I know that most of us suffer in silence because of the social stigma. There is some vulnerable information here and I hope it frees some other folks up to share their experiences as well. I’m honored to help eradicate this shame and demolish the idea that ANYTHING is incurable – so lets rock n’ roll.I had my first outbreak in 2015 deep inside of my nose and I didn’t know what it was at the time. My first marriage had just ended and I was dealing with a lot of disappointment and bitterness inside of myself. I then started getting massive fever blisters in between my nose and upper lip. (The size of a quarter or more) So it wasn’t a small little cold sore – it was like 5 or 6 of them clustered together and they were so deep and so painful. They would often take 2 or 3 entire weeks to heal and then I would have another breakout immediately after the skin had healed up. Without fail, no matter what I did or ate or treated it with – nothing was stopping this herpes virus from the 7th level of Hell. These constant and extreme outbreaks catalyzed a dark night of the soul experience that lasted for 5 solid years. I hid myself away in my house feeling so embarrassed and disgusted with myself. The self hatred that it brought to the surface was absolutely crippling. The fear and distrust of my body just continued to grow with every outbreak – and they continued to get worse. I isolated myself more and more and became so full of shame that I no longer wanted to socialize at all. I have always been a loner and enjoy spending most of my time in solitude because it is joyful and inspiring for me – but this was coming from a place of hiding myself away because I felt so mortified for people to see me. I had known so many people who would get a cold sore a couple times a year but I had never met anyone with the kind of severity and frequency that I was experiencing. It got me in touch with the fear that there was something gravely wrong with me and that this was just a symptom of a much bigger problem.
I then entered into what I can easily say was the most stressful relationship of my life. I felt so anxious around this man that my nervous system was constantly in a hyper vigilant state and I felt like I was constantly under attack. I was. It was like living in a war zone and I was so exhausted that my entire body broke down. I had a bout of kidney stones that lasted for 4 months. All of my muscles in my legs began to atrophy as I was in so much pain and constant 100+ degree fevers that I could not leave my bed. Even after they all passed – I then started having fainting spells on a regular basis and my skin started to break out all over my face, chest and back like I was a hormonal 16 year old. Again nothing that I did seemed to create any kind of improvement at all. Long story short, it took me a year and a half to leave the abusive relationship and my health dramatically deteriorated over that time. I then began the process of understanding what narcissistic abuse looks like and I began the process of healing and unpacking my codependency – but that’s another story. Fast forward several months – I entered another relationship several months after that and began taking Acyclovir anti viral medication every day as my boyfriend at the time was an ex nurse and swore by its efficiency. No change at all. I tried L- lysine supplements, lots of different diets and exclusions of certain foods high in arginine – I tried everything that western medicine suggested.
I started taking a low dosage of steroids to clear my acne and that wreaked absolute havoc on my adrenal glands. When I would go more than a week without taking the steroid pill my skin would break out 100 times worse and it just made me feel so hopeless and miserable. I knew what I was doing was damaging myself and yet I continued – for the sake of the quick fix. The toxicity of the steroids put even more pressure on my liver and kidneys and my energy levels were at about 40% – 50%. For all these years I would have energy to do my work, which was the only thing that brought me joy, and then I would be in escapist mode for a lot of the time. I could barely engage with life. Every morning when I woke up the first thing I did was touch my lips to see if something was cropping up. I truly consumed my entire life and it was all I could think about.
I was in a relationship with a sex worker who facilitated radical erotic journeys and it gave me the opportunity to work through a lot of sexual shame that the herpes was triggering. This definitely made a big difference in my emotional health and energy levels – but the cold sores seemed to rage more than ever. My new found intimacy with my sexuality and erotic body awakened a new power in me and I finally found the courage to be honest with myself that most of the reason I was so exhausted was because I was spending a massive amount of energy repressing and ignoring my ultimate fear – that all of this was happening because my brain cancer had grown back and I was dying. I had not had the courage to face myself and confront this fear until then and as soon as I started being honest with myself about how terrified and convinced I was that I was riddled with cancer and that I thought I would probably just let myself die if I did. I didn’t trust myself to engage the willingness to do a big detox again and give up the things I was so attached to – even though I knew were causing me harm. So I started where we all start. I started telling the truth. To myself and to the people in my life. That I was really scared. That I was fucking terrified and didn’t want to hide and be alone in it anymore. Every time I told someone what I was feeling I would just start to sob immediately and it began the process of healing. I found my willingness to embark on the journey of coming back to myself and all the things I had learned when I had healed myself of brain cancer 10 years before. Every big cathartic cry created more clarity and space inside to find my courage again. I also realized that I needed to end my relationship that while it was an incredibly powerful catalyst for deep transformation – it was not sustainable long term as a relationship and also put a lot of pressure on me and kept me in a state of stress. Everything started to shift then. I decided that I was going to heal and I committed to showing up for myself. I decided I wanted to live. So I started seeing a wonderful Naturopath in Cusco named Jens Laurits Sorensen who specializes in a meridian based energy therapy called Vacuum therapy and homeopathic medicines. His presence was a kind and grounding force and I respect him to no end. This therapy was one of the most important things that I ever did for myself – if you are in the Cusco area I cannot recommend him enough.
I also started experimenting with receiving Vitamin C IV and Ozone IV therapies alternating once per week. I even got Ozone gas injections into my lip which was insanely painful and I looked like I had Botox for a couple hours afterwards. I felt truly desperate. While I think the initial IV treatments were a helpful boost – I have since changed my perspective on these therapies and would not recommend them as something you do on a regular basis like I was doing. High doses of synthetically derived Vitamin C (absorbic acid) without a high supplementation of Copper can actually negatively effect on our ability to absorb and assimilate naturally derived vitamins from our food in the long term. I stopped drinking alcohol but I was still really attached to smoking tobacco. I was smoking up to 30 – 40 hand rolled cigarettes per day at the height of my addiction. I was bound to it and I wanted to be. It wasn’t until I had gained some strength and confidence back that I was able to want to be healthy more than I wanted to smoke. So I was able to successfully just quit.
I began a very powerful detox and I went into purge mode for several months. Sweating like crazy every night, lots of diarrhea and some very intense nights of vomiting until I could barely breathe. Acid, bile, parasites… I could feel all of what had been making me sick was finally starting to come up and out – mostly in pretty violent ways. My skin started to improve and my energy levels started to dramatically increase. To my disappointment however, the herpes outbreaks continued on consistently with only a 30% improvement and if I wasn’t in an active outbreak, I was in the stress of anticipation. Every time I had a new blister forming my auto pilot response was naturally frustration. Agitation, helplessness, HATRED towards what was “happening to me.” It felt so out of my control. The idea that I had “contracted this virus” from somewhere was unnerving and I felt like I was at its mercy. I felt like I had no power in the situation and that I was mostly spinning my wheels without much tangible result. It wasn’t until I entered into yet another intense romantic relationship that I started to understand what was really going on. This relationship all seemed really wonderful on the surface. He gave me all the space I wanted and was so adoring and he just praised me all the time. In my presence, he was exactly what I wanted in a lover at the time and I really felt the way that I wanted to feel with him. However as our connection deepened and I opened my heart more – I started to see a consistent pattern of anxiety attacks whenever I would sleep in the same bed with him. My dreams were always very stressful and I had women who I had never met before warning me about him and telling me that he was not being honest with me. We were in an open relationship and I liked that there was pressure taken off of me by him having other lovers so I just tried to talk myself out of feeling uneasy. At some point we became very intimate and decided to close our relationship. During this time I felt the constant polarities of feeling blissful connection with him in my waking life and wild anxiety in my dream world. I started having extreme panic attacks that would last sometimes for hours when we were together and I justified it as my old trauma coming up around trusting men.. That I was feeling anxious because I was still learning how to open up and not create problems that weren’t there as a means to protect myself from being hurt.
I started listening to my anxiety as it increased and when I would tell him about my dreams and the women talking to me in them – he always had an eloquent and convincing way of putting my mind at ease. But the anxiety would only grow to be even more ferocious and it was coming in more often. I would also have a cold sore every time after one of our dates, without fail. His facial hair was really prickly and it irritated my skin so badly that my outbreaks were doubling in size. So I finally gave myself permission to speak to the woman who was visiting me in my dreams (I saw her photo on fb and knew somehow that it was her) Thankfully she leveled with me and confirmed that they had been in a relationship the whole time since we had become monogamous and that she knew he had been lying to me the whole time. This proved to me that I was in fact not paranoid or pushing him away – just really psychic and picking up on the manipulation that was going on. I was ready to let go of my old story that I felt uneasy because I was still a wounded *girl* who didn’t know how to trust. I now saw my anxiety AS INTUITION that was trying to guide and protect me. I realized that I never feel anxious for no reason. That I was now an empowered woman. Grown. Whole and healed and tuned IN and that whenever I felt a contraction in my nervous system – to listen up to whatever I was trying to tell myself. I finally could trust myself that if something felt off it was because it was off – not because I had trust issues. This new intimacy with myself and new response to anxiety started to transform my body immediately. I listened to it as a wise teacher that was actually protecting me, if I would only listen to it instead of fall into old coping mechanisms of talking myself out of feeling an uncomfortable feeling. In my last conversations with this man, he continued to hardcore manipulate me (or try, anyway) and he would lie straight into my eyes. Every time he did this, I felt the anxiety return but this time, I trusted MY BODY. I trusted my feelings instead of his words. This was painful because I was really in love and desperately wanted to believe him. The moment I would choose to trust my feelings as the truth instead of the lies he was telling me, the anxiety would stop immediately. I can now feel the difference between the vibration of authenticity and truth and the vibration of lies and I am invincible to manipulation.
This was a massive turning point in my life. I started to realize how much I was working against myself and how I had forgotten how I had healed my cancer by taking a radically different approach to what the western medical world has taught us to take. So instead of hating the herpes and just obsessing over trying to GET FUCKING RID OF THIS THING THAT WAS RUINING MY LIFE… I started thanking it. I started listening to it. I redirected my focus to trying to understand why it was there in the first place. I started seeing the herpes as a teacher. As a sacred force that was trying to tell me something. Respecting it and respecting myself and taking the perspective I have a really good reason for everything that I feel. I have a really good reason for everything my body creates. I will never forget the moment that I let go of my resistance and deliberately engaged it instead. The moment I welcomed the experience with gratitude and reverence, I felt an undeniable power awaken inside of me. I felt something spin around inside my physical and psychic self and expand in such a powerful way that I remember screaming and crying from overwhelming pleasure and relief. I was being re-wired and I felt it. It had been disarmed.
I have not had an outbreak since that night. This was where the connection between my anxiety (that was based in not trusting myself) and the herpes became glaringly clear. When I would start to ignore any anxious feeling, I would get the dreaded tingle feeling on my lips. Whenever I would start to do something that wasn’t my truth to do it would activate. Any motivation that came from a place of fear, guilt, or obligation was a trigger and the burning sensation would immediately come. I would place my hand here and say “thank you, I’m listening, I’m here and I am putting you first, I promise I will stop whatever is causing me tension right now” and then the tingle would go away. No outbreak would follow, just a warning. I was onto it. I also feel it is important to release any resistance to having another outbreak if there was still more for me to learn from it. After all, being in resistance to another outbreak would create stress – so that pressure to be completely done with it had to go. My new response was “Yes. Welcome. Deep approval and respect for the raw power of this experience. I am willing to continue have this experience as many more times as I need to in order to understand what I am trying to tell myself.”
At first I was relating to it as if it was something outside of myself – like a spirit that was teaching me. As I spent more time inquiring and listening, I was told that it wasn’t something outside of myself at all. That it was just me. It was just something that I WAS CREATING and that it was something that I could disarm within myself, at will. All that was needed was deep understanding of what it was. So finally I learned how to choose myself in every moment. To not allow anyone in my life that was incapable of being honest and to remove anyone who I got this contracted, anxious feeling around. Every time I felt the pinch inside I stopped what I was doing, no matter how bad some other part of me wanted to do it. My outbreaks stopped. Completely stopped. I felt such an intimacy with myself and a new level of trust in my body that I could have only dreamed of for years before. It has been 8 months now with all kinds of stresses and not a single outbreak. Best of all – no fear of one either! I no longer felt afraid of having another cancer either because if I did – my body was taking care of it. All I had to do was trust and be willing and purge away.
As of right now I am still detoxing and healing. I’m not completely there but I am on my way. My skin is 90% clear and improving by the day. My teeth are regenerating, my gums are regrowing rapidly and I have more energy than I ever have. My favorite part is I feel an unshakable trust in myself and in the wisdom of my body. I feel a deep reverence for myself and the illnesses that have been my initiations. I am going to live well into my 100’s and enjoy every single minute of it.
My direct experiences have taught me that cancers are trying to heal us, not kill us. Tumors are our body’s brilliant way of collecting all the threats in our body and consolidating it into one place so that the threat is contained – and then can be completely detoxed out of the body through the elimination channels. I now believe viruses are one of these elimination channels. On the physical level, the blister is purge in and of itself. It’s a detoxification mechanism. Viruses are something we create from within, not something we contract.
When I say I healed my herpes virus – I don’t mean I eradicated it from my body. Because we have millions of viruses in our bodies from birth as part of our micro biome. Eradication isn’t even possible and even if it was – we wouldn’t want to. It actually wouldn’t make any sense at all. Viruses activate and are disarmed. They are part of a self healing mechanism. In order to truly heal something we have to properly understand what it is.
We have to address ALL dimensions of ourselves – physical emotional and spiritual. As important as the long detox is and the rebuilding of my micro biome on the physical level has been – all of my diseases have had prominent emotional triggers. When illnesses are acknowledged as the messenger blessings that they are – they will lead us to thriving health and intimacy with ourselves on all levels. Twice now in my life I have healed the “un-healable” by changing my mind and trusting in my body. People say to me all the time when they hear my story that healing brain cancer and herpes is miraculous. I’m here to tell you that it isn’t. It is just what happens when we truly understand why we get sick and how we get better. Everything you need to heal is already inside of you – just waiting to be activated. Thriving health, joy and peace are only a shift in perspective away. Know thyself and you will be cured.