The seemingly perfect relationship with my landlord turned toxic really fast and I ended up having to pack up and move Chalupa and I to a new place on a day’s notice. I sacrificed my deposit and hundreds of dollars in rent that I had paid there and I’m so grateful that I now prioritize my emotional and mental well being over any amount of money or discomfort. I admit I am feeling really vulnerable and absolutely fried emotionally.
The red flags started waving in my face the first time she visited in person and she went from zero to stage 5 clinger in a day. I gave her a healing session as a gift and naturally she had a really powerful experience. She cried and said I was the teacher she has always been looking for and that was all fine.. but the vibe quickly turned weird and she started saying victimy things like “where have you been?!? Where have you been all this time?!? I have been all alone and suffering and you weren’t here!” 😳 I immediately felt my heart and my stomach switch places when I felt her starting to latch onto me. She lives in another state however and so I thought I’d only have to deal with her once a month when I paid my rent. In our conversation about my renting her house she started to say that she wanted “stay close to me” and declared that she was going to build a room on the property so that we could do sessions all the time. I set a very clear boundary that I needed my privacy and that wasn’t going to be an option. Then she decided she was going to rent a place nearby so that she could come and see me. I told her that we could work together but that the boundaries needed to be very clear and firm and that I was only so available. She then insisted that I give her sessions as part of the rent since she was “losing so much money by renting to me long term”.. and the guilt trips began. All my alarms were already going off but this really made me squirm. Helping people identify and leave their narcissistic relationships is an area of speciality of mine and this was showing all the signs of an epic shit show in the making. We went next door to her sisters house for a bbq that night and they were all very nice to me but visibly tried to ignore this woman – we will call her Mary – and it became very clear why. Only 2 hours in she started a screaming match with her daughter and son in law in front of everyone and it was just so toxic and insanely dramatic. I left to go back to my house and I just shut down from the disillusionment. My perfect paradise now felt like a prison. I was also now entering into that level 9 tooth pain and I was being totally taken out by it. She even entered my house late that night unannounced crying her eyes out wanting comfort from me and that was the last straw if the fucking day. She was in such denial of her own toxicity and the part she played in what had happened that it became crystal clear that she was literally incapable of taking responsibility for herself. I told her that it was super inappropriate and that all of my boundaries were being crossed and that she needed to leave.
Luckily the next day my tooth pain was so bad that I had the dental surgery excuse to rest for two weeks and not engage with her. She went back to her home a plane ride away and I began my really dark process. I left out ten other red flag boundary crossings for the sake of brevity and not needing to remove them to make my point. I felt so trapped and it activated all of my remaining fears of receiving the wrath of a malignant narcissistic. I had to wait a week before my extraction for the antibiotics to do their thing so I had nothing to do but rest and feel everything. So much anxiety took over me and I had some really panicky moments feeling like I was not going to get myself out of there without a big drama. I was more right than I could have expected.
I was clear that I needed space and time to focus on myself and that we could resume the conversation when I was healed up. She surprisingly gave me that space and stopped constantly texting me but it turns out she was just charging up the crazy and saving it all up for the grand finale freak out.
When I was on the other side of my tooth extraction healing I started looking for some other houses but nothing really worked out as Airbnb has really screwed the market rates for long time renters and locals. However I wanted to give her as much notice as possible to hopefully minimize the blow of telling her I had changed my mind and needed to go after a month and a half instead of a year.. in our verbal agreement I had 2 months to see if the internet was sufficient for me work and decide if I was going to stay long term. So I was in the bounds of that agreement. When I told her very politely that the house did not work out for me afterglow (I kept it very practical and made it not about her) at first she was ok with it it seemed. Then I started receiving the guilt trips again and her insisting that I still give her a bunch of free sessions because I owed her. I delicately told her that I don’t judge her at all but that my boundaries had been crossed so many times that it was not a healthy dynamic for me and that I did not want to continue a relationship. This threw her into a literal psychosis and she began to attack me and my character – all the expected stuff. Knowing so well that folks like her are motivated by one thing and one thing only – narcissistic supply. She was trying to hey me to give her an emotional reaction and I just refused to do it. When she couldn’t upset me she started to say that I needed to leave the house a week earlier than the move out date. No problem at all I said, I’ll be out of there by then. Then she kind of disappeared which was weird but I thought wow maybe I already convinced her that she wasn’t going to get a reaction out of me so she’s looking for a new source to terrorize. That night I get a call from the sweetheart house manager – Liz and her husband Juan who is the gardener. They said they needed to come over and talk to be about something and when I resisted they said it was urgent and that there were injustices happening towards me and that I needed to know what was going on. I immediately felt my nervous system go into survival mode and I felt all the familiar panic of feeling under threat. However I reminded myself of what this was all about and I calmed myself down and got back into my peace in a record amount of time. My ten minute walk home was my grounding meditation to reclaim any power I had given away to her and that my stress was exactly the juice she was looking for.
So they come over and tell me that she had been calling Liz all day in absolute hysterics. First she told them that she was going to call the police and tell them that I had never paid any rent and was there illegally refusing to leave. Then the story was that she was going to have a lawyer call me with an ultimatum to pay her for a year or go to jail. She seemed to escalate by the moment and told them to cut the lights and water to my house. When they refused she said she would send someone else to do it. So this is when they wanted to tell me what was going on and offer to help me move out of there as soon as possible. They are both sensitive and spiritual people and they understood exactly what I meant when I explained energy vampirism and how the most important thing was to stay peaceful and not allow her to stress me out. I explained how narcissists can’t be without a source so if a well is dry of drama and emotional responses she will be forced to focus on finding a new victim and leave me alone. It’s natural law. We had a really beautiful bonding experience and they were grateful for the clarity and the permission to not engage. I had most of our conversations about the rent over text so I had proof I had done nothing wrong if she did end up sending someone over to the house to talk to me. I just refused to give her any power to hurt me and there’s nothing she could do to me anyway.
So she did not end up sending anyone to cut the lights but she did move the move out date to two weeks sooner. When I still didn’t react and agreed she moved it to two days from then and that she was coming in person. It was very clear she was looking to have an altercation and was excited about it. So when I learned this I immediately packed up all of my things and a sweet place far on the other side of town appeared out of nowhere that had not been showing up before in e listings and I booked it right away.
I did not sleep a wink last night. It wasn’t like an obvious anxiety and I could tell that I had gone into a major high alert coping mode and it was very strange. I couldn’t cry or access any feelings at all. I was in a high functioning survival mode and to the outside I appeared solid as a rock. This morning it started to hit me more and it was really intense. A lot of sweating and deep breathing and soothing myself.
This afternoon my new friends picked me and took me to my new spot. They held space for me while I cried for a few minutes from relief in the car and they handed me some really strong cbd oil drops and a cigarette and just let me cry it out. I haven’t been smoking or partaking in a single vice the whole time I have been here and it was absolute bliss to have a little outside help right in that moment. We all knew better than to focus on it all but they made a joke about the woman saying to watch me so that I didn’t “steal the refrigerator” and we busted up laughing and the healing began.
So here I am in my new place high up in the mountains starting to finally land from the whirlwind of the past 3 days. I felt like fucking hell and just really uprooted and vulnerable and pissed off all afternoon but now I’m feeling myself start to soften and let go. I only have this place for a week but the owner here has invited me to stay as long as I want to. It’s not ideal long term as there is a spiral staircase to the entrance that makes it impossible for chslupa to come and go as she pleases but it’s so wonderful for now and I’m so grateful. Its safe and nice and has a killer view. The landlord is an older man who started kind of flirting with me and I can’t tell you how easy it was to shut that down and make myself clear that I did t want any kind of attention from him. So far he’s backed off and been respectful but I can tell you I won’t wait around to learn the harder way this time if he can’t keep his thoughts to himself. I was like Jesus Christ life do you have to test me right away?!? Aye caramba give me a day to integrate this one first por favor.
So I went to see another place today for the longer term and it was so stunning and has a park for a yard – just unbelievable property. I’m waiting to hear back from them and another place so I’m going to be in limbo for a little while. I’ve been stationary in Peru for years and found security in my reclusive hermetic life. My home was always my sanctuary and I can feel how powerful it is for me now to have to move around a lot here. Not really knowing anyone and needing to rely totally on myself to navigate this has me feeling really vulnerable but I know the expansion is coming. Learning to just anchor into the home inside of my heart and know that everything is always working out for me. It’s ok if it takes me a while to find my place and my people here. It’s safe to feel vulnerable and to be in the unknown. I’m really grateful for all of the experiences I have had in my life that have helped me to love myself enough to sever ties with toxic people sooner than later and to learn the easier ways.
I’m sure I have some big cries ahead of me when I finally fully relax and I am so looking forward to feeling that relief. For now I am focusing on fiercely caring for myself and all the inner children inside of me that are activated and needing my attention and affirmation. I’m so grateful to have my sweet Chalupa on my lap right now as I write this and the tears are finally starting to fall a little bit. Life is giving us constant opportunities to overcome our fears and limitations and I already feel very grateful for the chance to see how far I have come in how I navigated this. It used to take me months, then weeks then days to reclaim my peace when I’ve been ruthlessly attacked in the past and this time it’s so much easier and so much faster. Being gentle and patient and kind with myself is the only thing that matters now. I am looking forward to a really deep sleep and to letting my nervous system unwind for the first time in what feels like months now. I will do anything to protect myself from harmful energies and I am reminded that the most powerful protection of all is Divine Love. Filling myself up with so much unconditional love for myself that nothing wanting to harm can even penetrate.
There’s a reason this woman abruptly stopped writing to me and started doing everything through Liz – because she wasn’t able to get a reaction from me. I can’t tell you how proud I feel of myself and the work I have done around this. Coming from a lot of childhood trauma with a father who controlled me through aggression, threats and intimidation – this is a sign of healing on the most profound levels for me. I know that I am only going to become more empowered and more free. I can’t wait to meet the version of me on the other side of this big transition and I am embracing every moment of the painful journey of initiation. No one can do anything to you that you don’t give them power to do. Our attention is the most powerful thing that we have and I am putting mine on gratitude, grace and the home inside of myself.
Thank you for reading and I hope this is helpful to some of y’all. Lots of love from Mexico