No matter how many times I experience this phenomenon, it never ceases to thrill me. I feel in awe of what can transpire within us in just a day. The last few days I was feeling so low. Sad, uninspired, confused and a little bitter. I felt a depression I haven’t felt in a long time. Another layer of shadows surfacing to be engaged. Another skin becoming uncomfortable and preparing to be shed. I felt a bit tired of shedding to be honest and was fucking over it. I wanted a break. I wanted to feel a sense of belonging. I felt so lonely and tired. I got lots of sleep but the day was stressful as my internet kept giving out during my sessions. This added to my feelings of agitation and frustration of feeling so uprooted. The transition felt like it had been a year already since leaving Peru and I felt every moment of it in my bones. Cranky and bitchy.
I got some lunch with my friend and we had a really great conversation and he’s a wonderful listener. I told him I was in a mood and feeling regretful and like maybe I had made a mistake moving here leaving such a perfect homestead with amazing community etc etc and maybe I was just crazy and impulsive etc etc… My friends first reaction was to say oh god don’t think like that! Don’t even go there! And I said but it’s TRUE. I need to go all the way into these feelings and fully engage them with deep approval for them to dissolve. Obviously I am here now and I’m going to continue creating my beautiful life but this doubt and questioning is just part of the process. So I honored where I was at and have myself all the permission in the world to feel everything that I was feeling and totally gave space to all of those “undesirable” thoughts and sensations.
Through hearing myself speak my truth I realized that there was nothing to do but be gentle with myself. To acknowledge how intense the last couple months have been for me and to just surrender to the uncomfortable feelings. My friend said some really helpful things about the nature of initiation. He reminded me that if I truly want to experience my most empowered and liberated self – that I am going to go through an unbelievably intense rite of passage in order to get there. That it’s supposed to be hard right now. That meeting every one of my doubts and confronting every fear I have is naturally going to be a bit stressful. He also reminded me that things that scared the living daylights out of me only a week ago I find laughable now. It’s been an amazing gift to have such a clear reflection from someone who has just met me here and has been my most present witness during my whole series of (mis?)adventures. I feel like I have been deep diving into the darkest of underwater caverns and that I finally just came up to the surface to breathe and regain my senses. In turning my focus to kindness and gentleness towards myself, I started to soften. It was ok to feel all of those things and that I was just going to hold my own hand and listen. I was just going to hold space for myself and fully experience it all.
That night I felt ready to give my first real offering to the land here in Mexico. I had so much resistance before and now I understand why. As I bled into the offering cups and filled them with herbs and oils, I immediately felt a peace come over me. Connecting with my prayers and the beauty of my pain. Tears filled my eyes as I felt everything start to flow and ground and integrate. I felt myself relax and surrender to it all.
As I worked on my book I started to feel so grateful to be here in Mexico and like I was about to now really meet her for the first time. All that seemed scary before just feels exciting now. There was a question of whether or not it was going to work out with this big beautiful house in April and I let that go too. That if it fell through that it just meant that somewhere else is calling me and that I would explore Valle de Bravo. It’s a beautiful lake town just a couple hours north of here and I let myself open up to really being led. Options opened up there as well and today I was offered an adorable cabin in the woods there. It is super small but sooo charming and brand new and would be a great place to set up a garden. I just received confirmation that the big house in Tepoz is mine for sure if I want it – I just have to wait until May instead. So do I want the secluded forest witch cabin and jump right back into creating a garden and having chickens etc… or do I want to stay in town in a palace with a pool? I can also do a raised bed garden there, but no birds. I really don’t know what I want, but I know I will when it’s time to make a choice! So now I have 5 weeks to explore Valle de Bravo and feel into both places. I know if I just keep listening to my heart I will find where I belong.
In the meantime I have a sweet little garden studio that is comfortable and has great energy. I’m feeling so grateful and inspired and I know this next chapter is going to rock my world. I can feel the magic inside me growing and I am ready to receive what I’ve got coming to me.
So if you are also feeling the heavies, I invite you to welcome them and listen to them and give deep approval to every single part of you that is expressing itself. Transmutation happens when we deliberately engage all that we would normally ignore or push away. The joy we are looking for is just on the other side of that pain we are avoiding. Feel it all, embrace it all, respect yourself and trust in your process. We are truly being led.
Sending you all so much love from wild and beautiful Mexico