I want to start sharing some of my protocols and the perspectives behind them for those asking for more information on how I healed myself from brain cancer 🙏
Homemade kombucha is one of the most powerful medicines on earth. While buying it is of course better than nothing- let me explain the logic and magic behind why brewing your own is much more powerful than buying your kombucha from a brewer. (Especially if you are in a health crisis)
When a child is nursing, the mother’s areola absorbs the babies saliva and receives a “reading” for deficiencies. She then naturally creates adjustments in her breast milk according to what the baby is needing and this communion and adjustment are a constant occurrence. The mother is making custom medicine that continually changes and adapts to what baby is needing, as her needs change.
When we saturate vegetable seeds with our saliva before we plant them in the earth, the seeds absorb it and read our DNA – that’s right – for deficiencies! The plants then grow according to our personal and specific needs. Having even a small lettuce garden is enough to make a huge difference.
When you grow a kombucha scoby – you are growing a live and intelligent mushroom. The scoby creates itself from its environment – pulling bacteria from the atmosphere around it and reading the information. So when you are caring for your scoby adding more tea to it and touching it with your hands – it is reading your body and creating itself according to your specific needs. I also talk to mine and feel without a doubt that we are psychically connected and that she is like a wise medicine woman that is watching over me and brewing this potion that is meant specifically for me.
Nature is the most powerful technology. We have become sick as a society because we have forgotten natural law and the inherent magic within our bodies. We have forgotten that our natural ability to heal is activated by communion with nature and with eachother and that all illness is only a symptom of that disconnection. The remedy is connection, LOVE, bacteria and trusting in the wisdom of our bodies. Nature has the cure.
No matter how many times I experience this phenomenon, it never ceases to thrill me. I feel in awe of what can transpire within us in just a day. The last few days I was feeling so low. Sad, uninspired, confused and a little bitter. I felt a depression I haven’t felt in a long time. Another layer of shadows surfacing to be engaged. Another skin becoming uncomfortable and preparing to be shed. I felt a bit tired of shedding to be honest and was fucking over it. I wanted a break. I wanted to feel a sense of belonging. I felt so lonely and tired. I got lots of sleep but the day was stressful as my internet kept giving out during my sessions. This added to my feelings of agitation and frustration of feeling so uprooted. The transition felt like it had been a year already since leaving Peru and I felt every moment of it in my bones. Cranky and bitchy.
I got some lunch with my friend and we had a really great conversation and he’s a wonderful listener. I told him I was in a mood and feeling regretful and like maybe I had made a mistake moving here leaving such a perfect homestead with amazing community etc etc and maybe I was just crazy and impulsive etc etc… My friends first reaction was to say oh god don’t think like that! Don’t even go there! And I said but it’s TRUE. I need to go all the way into these feelings and fully engage them with deep approval for them to dissolve. Obviously I am here now and I’m going to continue creating my beautiful life but this doubt and questioning is just part of the process. So I honored where I was at and have myself all the permission in the world to feel everything that I was feeling and totally gave space to all of those “undesirable” thoughts and sensations.
Through hearing myself speak my truth I realized that there was nothing to do but be gentle with myself. To acknowledge how intense the last couple months have been for me and to just surrender to the uncomfortable feelings. My friend said some really helpful things about the nature of initiation. He reminded me that if I truly want to experience my most empowered and liberated self – that I am going to go through an unbelievably intense rite of passage in order to get there. That it’s supposed to be hard right now. That meeting every one of my doubts and confronting every fear I have is naturally going to be a bit stressful. He also reminded me that things that scared the living daylights out of me only a week ago I find laughable now. It’s been an amazing gift to have such a clear reflection from someone who has just met me here and has been my most present witness during my whole series of (mis?)adventures. I feel like I have been deep diving into the darkest of underwater caverns and that I finally just came up to the surface to breathe and regain my senses. In turning my focus to kindness and gentleness towards myself, I started to soften. It was ok to feel all of those things and that I was just going to hold my own hand and listen. I was just going to hold space for myself and fully experience it all.
That night I felt ready to give my first real offering to the land here in Mexico. I had so much resistance before and now I understand why. As I bled into the offering cups and filled them with herbs and oils, I immediately felt a peace come over me. Connecting with my prayers and the beauty of my pain. Tears filled my eyes as I felt everything start to flow and ground and integrate. I felt myself relax and surrender to it all.
As I worked on my book I started to feel so grateful to be here in Mexico and like I was about to now really meet her for the first time. All that seemed scary before just feels exciting now. There was a question of whether or not it was going to work out with this big beautiful house in April and I let that go too. That if it fell through that it just meant that somewhere else is calling me and that I would explore Valle de Bravo. It’s a beautiful lake town just a couple hours north of here and I let myself open up to really being led. Options opened up there as well and today I was offered an adorable cabin in the woods there. It is super small but sooo charming and brand new and would be a great place to set up a garden. I just received confirmation that the big house in Tepoz is mine for sure if I want it – I just have to wait until May instead. So do I want the secluded forest witch cabin and jump right back into creating a garden and having chickens etc… or do I want to stay in town in a palace with a pool? I can also do a raised bed garden there, but no birds. I really don’t know what I want, but I know I will when it’s time to make a choice! So now I have 5 weeks to explore Valle de Bravo and feel into both places. I know if I just keep listening to my heart I will find where I belong.
In the meantime I have a sweet little garden studio that is comfortable and has great energy. I’m feeling so grateful and inspired and I know this next chapter is going to rock my world. I can feel the magic inside me growing and I am ready to receive what I’ve got coming to me.
So if you are also feeling the heavies, I invite you to welcome them and listen to them and give deep approval to every single part of you that is expressing itself. Transmutation happens when we deliberately engage all that we would normally ignore or push away. The joy we are looking for is just on the other side of that pain we are avoiding. Feel it all, embrace it all, respect yourself and trust in your process. We are truly being led.
Sending you all so much love from wild and beautiful Mexico
If I thought that the energy of my weird landlords was intense – they paled in comparison to what I experienced next. Absolute peanuts. So instead of making my poor self wait another 3 days in that place where I did not feel comfortable with the owner – I decided to move out early the next morning and I kept my stuff at a friends house while I waited for the country house to be ready. They weren’t expecting me until Saturday but they were happy to do a quick clean and let me arrive early. I felt proud of myself for taking care of my inner children and apologized for even thinking of making them stay that long. I was promising to them that as soon as they speak up – I’m getting them to safety right away – not in three days. Again no amount of money loss would matter. The owner was very upset that I was leaving without telling him and kept asking me to come back but I made it clear that that was not going to happen and that I didn’t need a refund. Just to leave peacefully.
So now we are off to the country house in the woods. The first strange thing was when the woman, Mariana, wrote me saying that the address on the website was wrong and that she would send me the real location. Not only was in not in the same neighborhood at all – it was 25 minutes driving distance out of town. I figured that it might be too far for long term but that a nice retreat in the woods might be just what I needed. So we get out there and my taxi friend Victor was already laughing and teasing me saying “this is way too far away – you know I am going to be picking you up and moving you back to the center in no time!” I decided to just check it out and at least give it a chance. When we arrive the people are very nice but the house was 10 times more rustic than I had imagined. Chalupa loved the big yard though and seemed to light up when she had the chance to really run around. There was a really intense chemical smell throughout the whole house and at first it just seemed like they had just finished bleaching everything and that it would fade as the house aired out. I felt really disappointed that it wasn’t going to be my place but I made the decision to just enjoy the time I was there and to focus on being grateful that I was away from the creepy dude and closer to nature.
Chalupa and I take a walk on the expansive grounds and I notice that the forest seemed very dark and kind of spooky. The energy of the trees and everything just seemed kind of heavy and strange. I had been through a lot though and had not slept for more than a couple of hours did the last few nights so I just tried to focus on finally getting some rest. I wasn’t going to stay here long so might as well just enjoy it for what it was and start looking for my next place. I was feeling kind of negative and bummed out so I thought it might be a good time to have a little smoke and get myself in a better mood. So I have a little joint and I immediately feel my heart open and my system relax. I honestly felt great! I could laugh at my whole situation and look at it as an adventure that was dissolving my 8 years long writing block and just felt really connected to myself.
I look at the two bedrooms upstairs and decide to sleep up there as there was more windows and better air flow. The smell on the bedding and all over the house is really strong though and I was surprised that it hadn’t dissipated at all even with the windows open for a couple hours. I was able to get into this really great headspace anyway and started dancing around, deciding that I was going to enjoy my experience no matter where I was and that it was only temporary. At least I was safe and could relax.
So I start to burn some sage to cleanse and bless the house and hopefully clear some of the weird smell out of there. A giant and sudden wind starts to blow through the whole property and it was so strong that a couple of the windows slammed shut. As I go upstairs with the sage I notice that I start to feel kind of anxious. This was strange as I said I had just gotten into a really good mood and had surrendered to the situation for the night. As I walked around and saged the windows I started to feel agitated. I could have sworn I hear a voice say “don’t come up here” and I admit I told myself I had just smoked for the first time in a long time and it probably just brought up some of the built up anxiety to the surface. I brought my sheets upstairs to make up the bed in the room with the best airflow. And I hear a soft voice say “do not sleep up here.” I thought it was weird as it as so subtle but as I entered the room and started to make the bed I heard it louder and clearer, “I told you – do not sleep up here.” I’m starting to get goosebumps just writing this story. So I resist at first because I am starting to feel really agitated by the chemical smell and I really did not want to sleep in the room downstairs as it had the smallest amount of windows and breeze. Omg I must be so paranoid from this herb I thought to myself as I put the sheet on the bed. “Fine you can suit yourself – learn the hard way if you’d like.” Now this got my attention and I said to myself “nope! I have heard that phrase before and it never fails to deliver. I’ll go into the next room.”
I don’t know how I did not see this before this moment – but I look above the bed and hanging there is a large black and white painting that literally looks like someone drew a portal to Hell. Just violently scribbled black holes all kind of squished together and I immediately was like well THAT can’t be a nice energy to sleep under. Why would they have that here? Wtf?! Thanks for the warning, whoever was speaking to me. So I take the sheets out and I go into the other room next door and although I don’t know how I missed this when I first saw the room – there was a painting of a really gnarly looking demon right over the bed. It was not abstract, there was no artful interpretation happening here. It was a demon, without a doubt. Again I think to myself why the hell would anyone EVER want a painting like this in their own house – let alone a rental where you are trying to make folks feel comfortable?! Sure as fuck not sleeping in here either!
Now the voice returns and this time much louder and more clear “you need to leave. You are not wanted here” and I sure was listening now. The hairs stood up on my whole body and I started to feel a strong presence fill the upstairs. It made it very clear that I had pissed it off and it was now making itself known. I apologized for intruding on its space and for smudging. I told it/them “I respect you and your space and I’m really sorry – I will stay downstairs and not come back up here. You have your space up here I and will have mine downstairs. I won’t bother you and you will not bother me. Again – really sorry for the sage, this is your house and I will be out of here tomorrow morning.”
I feel myself shaking as I go down stairs and it’s probably midnight by now. I get into the downstairs bed and the smell had just gotten worse it seemed. Whatever they were using to wash/disinfect the house was seriously toxic. I started to feel my throat getting sore and my head was hurting.
I used some of my own towels for bedding instead but it barely helped.
Just breathing was really uncomfortable now. I started writing the landlord telling her that I was having some kind of a reaction to the cleaning chemicals, that it was way too far from the centro and that there was no way that I could stay here. I said it in a delicate way as to not offend her and at first she argued that it was non refundable and that no one had ever complained before. I told her that it would be really a huge loss for me to lose $1000 and that I would still have to do it because I was started to break out in hives. I told her I was straight up scared to stay in this place by myself and that I had to leave first thing in the morning. My saving grace was that the address was listed wrong on the website and that there was no arguing with that. Her tone softened and she started to cooperate – I’m sure wanting to avoid a cripplingly bad review. I write to Victor my angel in a taxi and my friend Jesus who was happy to arrange a room for me in his apartment building for the next day. It was only a small studio room but we had been there for a few hours that day waiting for the house to be ready and it has a huge garden and great energy. So I started to feel better knowing that I would be out of there the next morning early and that whatever was upstairs seemed to be ok with our agreement and was leaving me alone.
Almost as soon as I had the thought I felt a sharp and sudden anxiety come over me again and I knew I was in trouble. I’m a feeling and audio type psychic more than visual when it comes to energies but all of my senses were being overwhelmed. I saw and felt something enter my room and it looked exactly like the demon in the painting upstairs. I started to hear a low, raspy voice start to taunt me in all the ways you might expect. It told me that there was no escaping. That I should have left when I had the chance and that it had me now. It told me that I was never going to leave here and that I would never get rid of it. I had not felt something this dark or tangible for 12 years since my initial trainings on how to deal with malicious spirits. I started to tell myself that all of this was an opportunity to learn and that I was safe. The voice started becoming more sinister and began repeating in my ear “you are not safe. You are NOT safe. YOU ARE NOT SAAAAAAFE!!!!!” I felt it begin to attack me for real and for a moment I believed that it was right. My heart started racing out of my chest. Panic started to course through my veins and every cell was filled with terror. That familiar hot and cold feeling pouring down through my head that makes you feel like you are going to pass out or die right on the spot. In that moment I wanted to run but I couldn’t move. My mind flashed to calling Victor to pick me up right then and the voice answered with a disturbing chuckle, “he won’t get here in time. Your blood will paint these walls. There is no help for you. You are alone and you are mine.”
I felt as afraid as I possibly could for what seemed like an eternity and yet I know it was only a few moments. I truly felt like I was doomed and that I was going to be one of those white chicks murdered by a demon in the forest that will be a mystery for years to come. The visions I saw in my head were full of torture, terror and hellish debauchery. I saw some really horrible things happening to children in that house that made me feel sick to my stomach.
For this long moment – I felt sure I was meeting my end and it was the worst fucking case scenario imaginable. I wish I could say more eloquently what happened next – but something very powerful inside of me awoke and intervened. Right before I felt myself about to faint, a light within me started to grow and it spoke without words right to my heart. I was able to gain consciousness enough to remember the truth. “I reclaim any power I have given to you. You cannot harm me. You cannot kill me, you cannot hurt me, you can only scare me. There is nothing you can do to me because I do not give to the power to do it.” This creature bared its teeth and told me I was wrong and that it was indeed my end. The light continued to grow brighter and stronger and was now surrounding my body like a cocoon. “No, you are wrong. I am the sovereign authority of myself and I am all powerful. I have dominion over all spirits in my reality and you cannot harm me. I reclaim the power I have given to you to make me feel afraid. I bless you. You cannot scare me and you can not make me hate you. You cannot force me to battle with you. I have dominion over you and I am full of Divine Love. You cannot harm me. You cannot scare me. I am the endless Love of God and I bless you! I bless you. I bless you, I bless you and I love you. There is nothing you can do to make me not love you.”
In the instant that I was able to fully access the Love that I am the room exploded with light and the spirit was literally flown out of the room – back upstairs. I couldn’t believe how quickly I went from feeling the ultimate terror to the ultimate peace. I was so calm and peaceful and even felt an intense joy. So much relief overwhelmed me and I was even able to sleep for a couple of hours. I did not have any more experiences that night. The next morning I was up and ready to go by sunrise and I was feeling so expanded and inspired by what I had experienced the night before. It was the most tangible and dramatic attack I had experienced in over a decade and I felt renewed and fascinated more than anything. I have had many experiences with entities in the first few years of my practice and I learned very quickly that it was the unconditional love that kept me safe and that these energies are parasitic and vampiric. That they have only the power you give them and that when you have nothing for them to attach to you literally become invisible to them. So just like dealing with vampiric people – when you take your attention and the power you are giving them away – they are nothing. I was so fascinated by how remedy was the same principles of dealing with narcissists- this was just the higher octave. I’ve known all of this for years. I teach it to my clients ever day. Yet it’s one thing to know something conceptually and another to apply that concept when you are highly triggered and scared out of your mind.
I really wanted to take a photo of the paintings to show you all because I thought no one will believe how insane these things are! There were also in both rooms paintings of Egyptian hieroglyphs which I thought was interesting. However the moment I stepped foot on the stairs a voice warned me “Do not come back up here. If you take a photo they will come with you. Portal.” and of course I jumped off the stairs like it was hot lava. “Yes of course, sorry to disturb!” I replied with my hands up, “Thank you for the reminder and I’ll be on my way now.” Some of you might think I’m insane for even thinking of going back up there or wanting to take a photo but it just shows you how protected and solid in myself I was feeling. I truly felt amazing and untouchable. Everything that had happened in the last few weeks seemed to pale in comparison from this spiritual attack – so anything that wasn’t on that level just felt like nothing. It was like it put things into perspective and I felt so alive.
When Victor arrived he took one look at me and said “well you look awfully cheerful for the night that you just had. Get in and you can tell me all about it.” And I did. He also confirmed that this was an obvious test and that he was glad that I was so well equipped to handle it and that I seemed so excited instead of traumatized. I then got to the beautiful garden apartment of my friend Jesus and he listened to me for hours last night as I shared and processed. Once I was in a safe place I had a lot of tears come out and I had some really profound realizations.
In my research into the darker parts of life over the past few years I have come across the very disturbing reality of child sexual abuse on the darkest and most extreme levels. I don’t want to go into it here but the things I have seen and heard had traumatized me and I adopted the belief that there must be a darker force “outside of human nature” that was so evil it must be from another place. That it was so evil that it must be hated and despised. I did not see another way. As I spoke to my friend Jesus about this and he argued that everything comes from the same Source. I started to get really anxious again and started to feel really uncomfortable. I asked him to stop talking and just let me express what was coming up or I was probably going to have a panic attack. As I started to process it became clear that whatever I did not love had power over me. Whatever I feared or hated by natural law had power over me. Whatever I rejected and disowned as outside of creation would have an influence over me. I spoke to the part of me who had felt so traumatized by seeing the proof of widely spread child torture and sex abuse. I spoke to the part of me that feared that these people involved in such atrocities would somehow escape justice and that they would win. That they would be able to stay hidden and protected by the current global system and that we were headed into a darker reality than most people could imagine. If you have looked into the darker aspect of the NWO, you know what I’m talking about. I let myself feel all of that pain, all of that trauma, all of that helplessness. I let myself grieve for all the children who have been through what I saw and grieve for the people who have died or been ostracized trying to save them. I healed the wound that had been making me think that there is any force stronger than the truth. Stronger than love.
Only by fully acknowledging my fears did they start to dissolve. So as I cried out all of the pain and fear in my heart I felt the space inside me start to fill with trust and love. I started to feel the presence of everything good and holy in the world consume me and our entire plane. I let go of the trauma that kept me from feeling the truth – that all will be revealed. That all that is hidden in darkness is coming to light. That all forces who thrive in the shadows are being dissolved as each courageous human heart awakens to hold this light in their bodies. Each moment another hundred people are reclaiming their sovereign authority and that nothing is more powerful than the truth. I remembered that Divine Love is the most powerful force in the universe. That it loves the unlovable and forgives the unforgivable. That it has no limits and therefore can never be stopped. This holy light of the ultimate love shines upon the deepest and oldest darkness and that nothing that receives this light goes unchanged. That this was the only thing that is truly real. That I am here to experience this darkness and to shine the light of our loving Creator onto it. That if I AM this endless and most powerful love – then I never needed to be afraid, of anything, ever again. I sobbed as I felt my whole heart open and I let this light fill me. Every drop of fear poured out and I let peace fill me. I let freedom fill me. I let power fill me. I let compassion and trust in this sacred process fill me. I left the battlefield. I left the war. I reclaimed my rightful place as the Creator of my reality and I reminded myself “what is the darkness, after all, once the light is shone upon it?”
I felt myself expand to absorb the whole world. I felt my choice ripple through the dimensions and encompass every inch of this plane. I felt myself connect to the timeline where truth wins. Where love wins. Where humanity is ready to learn the easier way and that we break free of all spells cast on us by weaponizing our fears. I saw each person reclaiming their sovereignty and a thriving world of free folk living in harmony with nature and each other. I saw the end of suffering on this planet. At this moment fireworks started going off everywhere and I felt myself truly let go. It was now the equinox and the last day of the astrological new year. These fireworks felt like they were all just for me. I feel in my bones the events in my own microcosm were a reflection of the whole and that I had made a profound choice that night. I had the best sleep I have had in weeks.
So I sit here now in my tiny but glorious studio apartment full of gratitude. I am in awe of life and everything that I am learning and remembering through my adventures. I feel like I had the happiest, easiest most peaceful life in Peru and it was like the Shire. I left on my pilgrimage to Mordor and I feel like I just successfully dropped the ring into the fire. I needed to meet all of subconscious and unconscious fears in order to embody the next version of myself and I have done exactly that. I feel so relieved and so intimate with myself.
Besides the reward of all this personal growth.. life has awarded me the ultimate upgrade from every house I’ve ever lived in. I still have another couple of weeks in this temporary place until I’m able to move.. but this new home is so worth waiting for. I can’t believe how quickly the perfect place opened up once I completely let go and opened my heart. Sometimes what seems like delays are really just life preparing massive blessings for you while you do the work to be ready to receive them ❤️
Thank you for following us along on our journey and I hope you are enjoying these stories and transmissions
Life is making it so obvious it is almost like a comedy. My very first conversation IN THE DRIVEWAY with the owner of this house yesterday said it all. Without knowing anything about my story he said to me “why did you leave your last place? Was the owner obsessed with you and didn’t want you to go? I can see why – you are so beautiful and impressive I can understand.” As I briefly mentioned yesterday I drew a boundary and said that I really didn’t want that kind of attention but I was so fried that I didn’t have it in me to let that scare me off right away and just get back into the car. He seemed receptive enough that I told myself it was just an opportunity to be assertive and I would see how we go. 🚩
Aside from the unwanted vibes and while this new place has a great aesthetic and view – poor Chalupa cannot scale the spiral staircase and we might as well be in an apartment as I have to bring her down to potty and it’s stressful for both of us as she is used to being a free range little baby who can come and go as she pleases. There are no fans so I sweat my tits off all night and couldn’t really sleep. The landlord lives in a small room right underneath the chalet and he has continued to want more attention from me than I want to give. Last night he was encouraging me to do a long term lease with him and kept saying this is my house.. he wanted to bring me firewood and wine and I told him what I needed was space and solitude. He agreed and left me alone. (Who the hell would want a fire in this heat?!)
I slept in this morning and when I go to wash up there is no water. Instant annoyance but it’s normal in Tepoztlan so I use my bottled water and I bring chalupa outside to relieve herself. As soon as I’m outside the landlord immediately starts to engage me. I normally would “not want to be rude” but I just said straight up look this is a great place and I’m thankful for your hospitality but I just woke up and I am not ready to have a conversation. He said oh of course so sorry and made himself scarce. I could feel tho that he was disappointed that he’s not having the riveting friendship that he seems to want to have with me. So I sit on the patio overlooking the view and start writing in my journal. I acknowledge that I don’t like the expectations and pressure I am already feeling and as I write the words “am I just exhausted and grumpy or am I picking up on a needy landlord take-two red flag situation?” I kid you not y’all – water starts pouring from the roof right above my head and starts to flood the balcony and my bedroom where all my clothes are!!! I run into the room and move all my suitcases out of the water. I started laughing because it was just such dramatic timing!
The landlord comes rushing out saying “oh no I forgot to close the thing last night and now the tank is losing all the water that was just delivered!” I tell him it’s flooding the bedroom and he runs up with a bucket to start mopping it up. I say it’s ok it was obviously an accident but his mood has shifted big time. His whole energy has changed and he is visibly frustrated with himself and he starts to mumble about how expensive of a loss this is for him. I decide to come down to the grass with Chalupa as I felt my nervous system activate – again. I had that familiar panicky feeling come over me and I was like here we go again – feeling trapped!
Feeling pressured and feeling in way too close of quarters with this dude for my reclusive self. So instead of ignoring my anxiety and trying to talk myself out if it – I thank it and say I’m listening to you – I’m here for you and I’m getting us out of here. Instead of waiting for another red flag – I look to my Airbnb and I just happen to have a message waiting for me from a woman who has a house in the ideal neighborhood saying that she hopes I am still interested in booking the house for a few days to feel it out and see if I would like a direct contract and a longer term lease. I had totally forgotten about this place in all of the drama and it had not been showing up in the listing! It is surrounded by nature and completely private – no landlord on site or close neighbors. It’s a little more rustic but has all of the most important things that we have been looking for. So I booked it and we will be arriving there on Saturday. My anxiety immediately left and now I feel so excited and relaxed and renewed! Red flags are not red flags anymore – they are deal breakers. No more needing more than one intuitive hit for me that something is a bit off. (Well to be fair – more than two hits! 😂) I trust my body now and listen to all of my uncomfortable feelings as sacred messengers guiding me towards my highest and best life. Ahhh this is another massive leveling up and I’m feeling so confident and free. The body always knows. We don’t feel anything for no reason and I finally trust enough to understand what I’m trying to tell myself.
Thank you for coming on this adventure with us! We will send you photos when we arrive on Saturday! Love y’all and I hope this sharing continues to be helpful and a source of encouragement to trust yourselves too!
The seemingly perfect relationship with my landlord turned toxic really fast and I ended up having to pack up and move Chalupa and I to a new place on a day’s notice. I sacrificed my deposit and hundreds of dollars in rent that I had paid there and I’m so grateful that I now prioritize my emotional and mental well being over any amount of money or discomfort. I admit I am feeling really vulnerable and absolutely fried emotionally.
The red flags started waving in my face the first time she visited in person and she went from zero to stage 5 clinger in a day. I gave her a healing session as a gift and naturally she had a really powerful experience. She cried and said I was the teacher she has always been looking for and that was all fine.. but the vibe quickly turned weird and she started saying victimy things like “where have you been?!? Where have you been all this time?!? I have been all alone and suffering and you weren’t here!” 😳 I immediately felt my heart and my stomach switch places when I felt her starting to latch onto me. She lives in another state however and so I thought I’d only have to deal with her once a month when I paid my rent. In our conversation about my renting her house she started to say that she wanted “stay close to me” and declared that she was going to build a room on the property so that we could do sessions all the time. I set a very clear boundary that I needed my privacy and that wasn’t going to be an option. Then she decided she was going to rent a place nearby so that she could come and see me. I told her that we could work together but that the boundaries needed to be very clear and firm and that I was only so available. She then insisted that I give her sessions as part of the rent since she was “losing so much money by renting to me long term”.. and the guilt trips began. All my alarms were already going off but this really made me squirm. Helping people identify and leave their narcissistic relationships is an area of speciality of mine and this was showing all the signs of an epic shit show in the making. We went next door to her sisters house for a bbq that night and they were all very nice to me but visibly tried to ignore this woman – we will call her Mary – and it became very clear why. Only 2 hours in she started a screaming match with her daughter and son in law in front of everyone and it was just so toxic and insanely dramatic. I left to go back to my house and I just shut down from the disillusionment. My perfect paradise now felt like a prison. I was also now entering into that level 9 tooth pain and I was being totally taken out by it. She even entered my house late that night unannounced crying her eyes out wanting comfort from me and that was the last straw if the fucking day. She was in such denial of her own toxicity and the part she played in what had happened that it became crystal clear that she was literally incapable of taking responsibility for herself. I told her that it was super inappropriate and that all of my boundaries were being crossed and that she needed to leave.
Luckily the next day my tooth pain was so bad that I had the dental surgery excuse to rest for two weeks and not engage with her. She went back to her home a plane ride away and I began my really dark process. I left out ten other red flag boundary crossings for the sake of brevity and not needing to remove them to make my point. I felt so trapped and it activated all of my remaining fears of receiving the wrath of a malignant narcissistic. I had to wait a week before my extraction for the antibiotics to do their thing so I had nothing to do but rest and feel everything. So much anxiety took over me and I had some really panicky moments feeling like I was not going to get myself out of there without a big drama. I was more right than I could have expected.
I was clear that I needed space and time to focus on myself and that we could resume the conversation when I was healed up. She surprisingly gave me that space and stopped constantly texting me but it turns out she was just charging up the crazy and saving it all up for the grand finale freak out.
When I was on the other side of my tooth extraction healing I started looking for some other houses but nothing really worked out as Airbnb has really screwed the market rates for long time renters and locals. However I wanted to give her as much notice as possible to hopefully minimize the blow of telling her I had changed my mind and needed to go after a month and a half instead of a year.. in our verbal agreement I had 2 months to see if the internet was sufficient for me work and decide if I was going to stay long term. So I was in the bounds of that agreement. When I told her very politely that the house did not work out for me afterglow (I kept it very practical and made it not about her) at first she was ok with it it seemed. Then I started receiving the guilt trips again and her insisting that I still give her a bunch of free sessions because I owed her. I delicately told her that I don’t judge her at all but that my boundaries had been crossed so many times that it was not a healthy dynamic for me and that I did not want to continue a relationship. This threw her into a literal psychosis and she began to attack me and my character – all the expected stuff. Knowing so well that folks like her are motivated by one thing and one thing only – narcissistic supply. She was trying to hey me to give her an emotional reaction and I just refused to do it. When she couldn’t upset me she started to say that I needed to leave the house a week earlier than the move out date. No problem at all I said, I’ll be out of there by then. Then she kind of disappeared which was weird but I thought wow maybe I already convinced her that she wasn’t going to get a reaction out of me so she’s looking for a new source to terrorize. That night I get a call from the sweetheart house manager – Liz and her husband Juan who is the gardener. They said they needed to come over and talk to be about something and when I resisted they said it was urgent and that there were injustices happening towards me and that I needed to know what was going on. I immediately felt my nervous system go into survival mode and I felt all the familiar panic of feeling under threat. However I reminded myself of what this was all about and I calmed myself down and got back into my peace in a record amount of time. My ten minute walk home was my grounding meditation to reclaim any power I had given away to her and that my stress was exactly the juice she was looking for.
So they come over and tell me that she had been calling Liz all day in absolute hysterics. First she told them that she was going to call the police and tell them that I had never paid any rent and was there illegally refusing to leave. Then the story was that she was going to have a lawyer call me with an ultimatum to pay her for a year or go to jail. She seemed to escalate by the moment and told them to cut the lights and water to my house. When they refused she said she would send someone else to do it. So this is when they wanted to tell me what was going on and offer to help me move out of there as soon as possible. They are both sensitive and spiritual people and they understood exactly what I meant when I explained energy vampirism and how the most important thing was to stay peaceful and not allow her to stress me out. I explained how narcissists can’t be without a source so if a well is dry of drama and emotional responses she will be forced to focus on finding a new victim and leave me alone. It’s natural law. We had a really beautiful bonding experience and they were grateful for the clarity and the permission to not engage. I had most of our conversations about the rent over text so I had proof I had done nothing wrong if she did end up sending someone over to the house to talk to me. I just refused to give her any power to hurt me and there’s nothing she could do to me anyway.
So she did not end up sending anyone to cut the lights but she did move the move out date to two weeks sooner. When I still didn’t react and agreed she moved it to two days from then and that she was coming in person. It was very clear she was looking to have an altercation and was excited about it. So when I learned this I immediately packed up all of my things and a sweet place far on the other side of town appeared out of nowhere that had not been showing up before in e listings and I booked it right away.
I did not sleep a wink last night. It wasn’t like an obvious anxiety and I could tell that I had gone into a major high alert coping mode and it was very strange. I couldn’t cry or access any feelings at all. I was in a high functioning survival mode and to the outside I appeared solid as a rock. This morning it started to hit me more and it was really intense. A lot of sweating and deep breathing and soothing myself.
This afternoon my new friends picked me and took me to my new spot. They held space for me while I cried for a few minutes from relief in the car and they handed me some really strong cbd oil drops and a cigarette and just let me cry it out. I haven’t been smoking or partaking in a single vice the whole time I have been here and it was absolute bliss to have a little outside help right in that moment. We all knew better than to focus on it all but they made a joke about the woman saying to watch me so that I didn’t “steal the refrigerator” and we busted up laughing and the healing began.
So here I am in my new place high up in the mountains starting to finally land from the whirlwind of the past 3 days. I felt like fucking hell and just really uprooted and vulnerable and pissed off all afternoon but now I’m feeling myself start to soften and let go. I only have this place for a week but the owner here has invited me to stay as long as I want to. It’s not ideal long term as there is a spiral staircase to the entrance that makes it impossible for chslupa to come and go as she pleases but it’s so wonderful for now and I’m so grateful. Its safe and nice and has a killer view. The landlord is an older man who started kind of flirting with me and I can’t tell you how easy it was to shut that down and make myself clear that I did t want any kind of attention from him. So far he’s backed off and been respectful but I can tell you I won’t wait around to learn the harder way this time if he can’t keep his thoughts to himself. I was like Jesus Christ life do you have to test me right away?!? Aye caramba give me a day to integrate this one first por favor.
So I went to see another place today for the longer term and it was so stunning and has a park for a yard – just unbelievable property. I’m waiting to hear back from them and another place so I’m going to be in limbo for a little while. I’ve been stationary in Peru for years and found security in my reclusive hermetic life. My home was always my sanctuary and I can feel how powerful it is for me now to have to move around a lot here. Not really knowing anyone and needing to rely totally on myself to navigate this has me feeling really vulnerable but I know the expansion is coming. Learning to just anchor into the home inside of my heart and know that everything is always working out for me. It’s ok if it takes me a while to find my place and my people here. It’s safe to feel vulnerable and to be in the unknown. I’m really grateful for all of the experiences I have had in my life that have helped me to love myself enough to sever ties with toxic people sooner than later and to learn the easier ways.
I’m sure I have some big cries ahead of me when I finally fully relax and I am so looking forward to feeling that relief. For now I am focusing on fiercely caring for myself and all the inner children inside of me that are activated and needing my attention and affirmation. I’m so grateful to have my sweet Chalupa on my lap right now as I write this and the tears are finally starting to fall a little bit. Life is giving us constant opportunities to overcome our fears and limitations and I already feel very grateful for the chance to see how far I have come in how I navigated this. It used to take me months, then weeks then days to reclaim my peace when I’ve been ruthlessly attacked in the past and this time it’s so much easier and so much faster. Being gentle and patient and kind with myself is the only thing that matters now. I am looking forward to a really deep sleep and to letting my nervous system unwind for the first time in what feels like months now. I will do anything to protect myself from harmful energies and I am reminded that the most powerful protection of all is Divine Love. Filling myself up with so much unconditional love for myself that nothing wanting to harm can even penetrate.
There’s a reason this woman abruptly stopped writing to me and started doing everything through Liz – because she wasn’t able to get a reaction from me. I can’t tell you how proud I feel of myself and the work I have done around this. Coming from a lot of childhood trauma with a father who controlled me through aggression, threats and intimidation – this is a sign of healing on the most profound levels for me. I know that I am only going to become more empowered and more free. I can’t wait to meet the version of me on the other side of this big transition and I am embracing every moment of the painful journey of initiation. No one can do anything to you that you don’t give them power to do. Our attention is the most powerful thing that we have and I am putting mine on gratitude, grace and the home inside of myself.
Thank you for reading and I hope this is helpful to some of y’all. Lots of love from Mexico
Last night I fully experienced the depths of my own darkness and what felt like the darkness of my entire ancestry. The emotional decay that had been backed up and stored and festering for centuries overwhelmed me and took me beyond my limits. Even with my years of experience in shadow integration work – there were moments where I thought the torture would never stop and that I would never see the light again. It was as if all the joy had been sucked from the world and would never return. I was sure I would be stuck in the Underworld for all eternity and in the peak of it – I felt like I deserved nothing less than that. So much rage and hatred and resentment was exploding out of me like a volcano of fire and destruction. And I really did want to destroy everything and everyone in my path. It was wild, uncontrollable and all consuming.
I was silently fuming, seething and snarling like a beast inside. I felt like my aura was spiky and black like a giant evil sea urchin. Even Chalupa was reflecting this back to me in a dramatic way and she wanted nothing to do with me. She was hiding under a table crouched down in defense. She would bare her adorable little teeth and growl at me every time I tried to come near her. When I would try to pick her up she would snap and bark at me like I was a stranger. It made me feel really sad at first but then just made me feel more angry. At one point I forced her and picked her up anyway she straight bit me on my face when I kissed her little head. (Not hard of course – but she made it clear that she wanted to be far away from the hot lava from Hell that I was exuding from every pore.) This threw me into a dramatic wave of despair and resentment and the real purge began.
Living in the city with close neighbors and unable to scream with no tears to be found inside – there was nothing I could do but start to write in my journal. I felt truly desperate to give an outlet to the anguish inside of me. I felt all the hatred in the world since the beginning of time being funneled through my small frame and I truly wanted to die. My fingers were holding the pen so tight that it’s ridges were digging into my skin making it red and raw. The tip of the pen scraping through the paper making small rips as I assaulted my notebook. Unbridled fire surged through me as I felt and expressed my undying hatred for every single person and every single thing in this life. It was not reasonable or logical. It was insanity. It was wild abhorrent disgust and malice. It was a purge of all the disowned madness and mindless hate of mankind and I was being forced to feel every drop of it and claim it as my own. It was the disowned darkness of every person in my lineage all the way back as far as I could see. The ancestral shadow that was my inheritance and that was mine alone to heal and transform.
My personal story started to come into play. Rage and hatred towards every person who I felt had ever hurt me, used me, undervalued me or taken me for granted in some way was demanding my undivided attention. Unbearable and inescapable resentment towards myself for giving my power away and allowing any and all abuses of my life. The abuses of all my lifetimes. Why am I always giving so much and receiving so little in return? Why am I not fully valued and seen and supported when I am constantly in service to others? Why are folks so comfortable taking the best of me and giving me scraps in return for helping them transform their lives – sometimes in a matter of minutes? Why can I listen to my friends for hours on end and when it’s my turn to receive support they can only project onto me and give me advice instead of just holding the same space of silence in return? Why am I so uncomfortable asking for what I deserve when those with a tenth of my experience or skill feel so comfortable? I felt so bitter and full of confusion. Trapped in a dungeon of rage and resentment. I felt so disconnected from everyone in my life and it all went dark. I felt like Hell was swallowing me up and demanding that I make myself at home there. A force within me was holding me down and compelling me to fully experience it in every cell of my body. It was begging me to listen to it instead of try to make it stop.
So I claimed it. I felt it all. I expressed it without fearing it, shaming it, guilting it, resisting it or making it wrong. I apologized to myself and every person in my ancestry who had never healed. I apologized for all of the ways I had allowed myself to be hurt and undervalued and gave myself permission to be this bitter, rageful creature. I validated every dark feeling and expressed my deep respect for this destructive part of myself. Honoring it for how powerful it was. As I bowed down to the pain and surrendered to its seemingly endless wrath – I began to feel a softening. Something was shifting and I knew I was starting to break through.
I thanked this darkness and asked it to destroy all that needed to be destroyed within me and in my life. With this permission, the red hot flames turned their attention from torture to transmutation. This holy fire started to burn away all of my fear. All of my doubt in myself started to dissolve. All that was keeping me from creating the life I desire and deserve was losing its hold on me and I no longer felt afraid. Of anything. The ancient chains that had been binding me and keeping me separate from my true power started to break and fall away. I saw how much I was still motivated by trying to please others at the expense of myself in certain areas of my life. I saw clearly how I have been creating situations that cause me pain and scarcity. The tears finally started to flow and Chalupa came to be by my side.
I fell asleep with my pen in my hand and the lights were still on.. All night I had vivid almost lucid dreams that I was flying and teaching everyone else around me that they could fly too. It was the most amazing sensation of freedom. I found my “dream home” in the dreamscape which I have been searching for for years and usually never find. I was surrounded by sisters with flowers in their hair and sexy tattooed men (I have been celibate and withdrawn sexually for almost 9 months now so it felt like a re-awakening of my erotic self) I was in paradise.
I normally wake up around 7 and today I effortlessly slept in until past 10. I woke up feeling so calm. So soft and empty. A profound silence in my mind and stillness in my heart. Light and clear and truly un-afraid of things that I was drowning in just the night before. Things that felt so far away and out of reach now feel like they are already inside of me – mine for the claiming and enjoying. I am so relieved and grateful. I feel reborn from the ashes once again. Chalupa is more in love with me than ever today and she seems to be feeling much more peaceful than she has been since she arrived with her own travel trauma to heal and integrate. Colors are brighter and hummingbirds surround me as I write this on my porch.
In order to alchemize something, we have to embody it. We have to fully experience it. Observing and acknowledging is not enough. I had to embrace it, welcome it and deeply approve of it in order to transform it. No more disowning and bypassing as just “processing for the collective” .. I am the collective and I have all the dark and light, all the joys and terrors of this world inside of me. This inherited shadow was was a reflection of my own microcosm. My own capacity for hatred, malice and cruelty. In my personal life – seeing how putting the needs of others before my own had created that monster inside. Not asking for what I truly want and need and ignoring the resentment had made it grow into something impossible to ignore. That sacred rage was there to help me. I had to take responsibility. To thank the resentment towards myself and others as a messenger of new boundaries needing to be drawn. To listen to it and apologize to myself for allowing these trespasses and for teaching the world how to treat me in a way that is less than what I give.
If others have not valued me it’s because I have not valued me. If others give me crumbs when I give them the world it’s because I have accepted crumbs. I show everyone in my life how to treat me based on how I treat myself and by what I allow. If I am not receiving on the level that I would like – it’s because on some level I am not actually receptive. How freeing and empowering this is! My experience of lack is not mysterious. It’s not some random thing that “keeps happening to me”- it’s something I am creating with the choices I make every day.
We have a really good reason for everything that we feel and everything that we do. As we learn to truly listen to ourselves in each moment – we stop creating reserves of unexpressed emotion that need to be emptied out in violent ways. When we listen to “negative” feelings and undesirable emotions we see that they are full of wisdom and are within themselves intuitive guidance. Welcome your darker feelings and shine the light of deep approval onto them. They will then reveal their sacred messages and transform into clarity and love.
I feel so ready to listen now. So ready to choose myself. So ready to ask for what I deserve and to say a graceful and joyful “no thank you” to anything that is not in alignment with that. Thank you for reading and I look forward to hearing how this resonates with you as we integrate this collective shadow together.
Twice now in my life I have healed the “un-healable” by changing my mind and trusting in my body. People say to me all the time when they hear my stories that it’s a miracle. That healing brain cancer and herpes is miraculous. I’m here to tell you that it isn’t. It is just what happens when we truly understand why we get sick and how we get better. Everything you need to heal is already inside of you – just waiting to be activated. Know thyself and you will be cured.
I am very excited to share with you how I have cured myself of an out of control herpes virus after 5 straight years of constant breakouts. I only ever had them on my face and those who know me, know what a traumatic and all consuming experience it was for me. I know that so many of you struggle with this condition as well and I know that most of us suffer in silence because of the social stigma. There is some vulnerable information here and I hope it frees some other folks up to share their experiences as well. I’m honored to help eradicate this shame and demolish the idea that ANYTHING is incurable – so lets rock n’ roll.I had my first outbreak in 2015 deep inside of my nose and I didn’t know what it was at the time. My first marriage had just ended and I was dealing with a lot of disappointment and bitterness inside of myself. I then started getting massive fever blisters in between my nose and upper lip. (The size of a quarter or more) So it wasn’t a small little cold sore – it was like 5 or 6 of them clustered together and they were so deep and so painful. They would often take 2 or 3 entire weeks to heal and then I would have another breakout immediately after the skin had healed up. Without fail, no matter what I did or ate or treated it with – nothing was stopping this herpes virus from the 7th level of Hell. These constant and extreme outbreaks catalyzed a dark night of the soul experience that lasted for 5 solid years. I hid myself away in my house feeling so embarrassed and disgusted with myself. The self hatred that it brought to the surface was absolutely crippling. The fear and distrust of my body just continued to grow with every outbreak – and they continued to get worse. I isolated myself more and more and became so full of shame that I no longer wanted to socialize at all. I have always been a loner and enjoy spending most of my time in solitude because it is joyful and inspiring for me – but this was coming from a place of hiding myself away because I felt so mortified for people to see me. I had known so many people who would get a cold sore a couple times a year but I had never met anyone with the kind of severity and frequency that I was experiencing. It got me in touch with the fear that there was something gravely wrong with me and that this was just a symptom of a much bigger problem.
I then entered into what I can easily say was the most stressful relationship of my life. I felt so anxious around this man that my nervous system was constantly in a hyper vigilant state and I felt like I was constantly under attack. I was. It was like living in a war zone and I was so exhausted that my entire body broke down. I had a bout of kidney stones that lasted for 4 months. All of my muscles in my legs began to atrophy as I was in so much pain and constant 100+ degree fevers that I could not leave my bed. Even after they all passed – I then started having fainting spells on a regular basis and my skin started to break out all over my face, chest and back like I was a hormonal 16 year old. Again nothing that I did seemed to create any kind of improvement at all. Long story short, it took me a year and a half to leave the abusive relationship and my health dramatically deteriorated over that time. I then began the process of understanding what narcissistic abuse looks like and I began the process of healing and unpacking my codependency – but that’s another story. Fast forward several months – I entered another relationship several months after that and began taking Acyclovir anti viral medication every day as my boyfriend at the time was an ex nurse and swore by its efficiency. No change at all. I tried L- lysine supplements, lots of different diets and exclusions of certain foods high in arginine – I tried everything that western medicine suggested.
I started taking a low dosage of steroids to clear my acne and that wreaked absolute havoc on my adrenal glands. When I would go more than a week without taking the steroid pill my skin would break out 100 times worse and it just made me feel so hopeless and miserable. I knew what I was doing was damaging myself and yet I continued – for the sake of the quick fix. The toxicity of the steroids put even more pressure on my liver and kidneys and my energy levels were at about 40% – 50%. For all these years I would have energy to do my work, which was the only thing that brought me joy, and then I would be in escapist mode for a lot of the time. I could barely engage with life. Every morning when I woke up the first thing I did was touch my lips to see if something was cropping up. I truly consumed my entire life and it was all I could think about.
I was in a relationship with a sex worker who facilitated radical erotic journeys and it gave me the opportunity to work through a lot of sexual shame that the herpes was triggering. This definitely made a big difference in my emotional health and energy levels – but the cold sores seemed to rage more than ever. My new found intimacy with my sexuality and erotic body awakened a new power in me and I finally found the courage to be honest with myself that most of the reason I was so exhausted was because I was spending a massive amount of energy repressing and ignoring my ultimate fear – that all of this was happening because my brain cancer had grown back and I was dying. I had not had the courage to face myself and confront this fear until then and as soon as I started being honest with myself about how terrified and convinced I was that I was riddled with cancer and that I thought I would probably just let myself die if I did. I didn’t trust myself to engage the willingness to do a big detox again and give up the things I was so attached to – even though I knew were causing me harm. So I started where we all start. I started telling the truth. To myself and to the people in my life. That I was really scared. That I was fucking terrified and didn’t want to hide and be alone in it anymore. Every time I told someone what I was feeling I would just start to sob immediately and it began the process of healing. I found my willingness to embark on the journey of coming back to myself and all the things I had learned when I had healed myself of brain cancer 10 years before. Every big cathartic cry created more clarity and space inside to find my courage again. I also realized that I needed to end my relationship that while it was an incredibly powerful catalyst for deep transformation – it was not sustainable long term as a relationship and also put a lot of pressure on me and kept me in a state of stress. Everything started to shift then. I decided that I was going to heal and I committed to showing up for myself. I decided I wanted to live. So I started seeing a wonderful Naturopath in Cusco named Jens Laurits Sorensen who specializes in a meridian based energy therapy called Vacuum therapy and homeopathic medicines. His presence was a kind and grounding force and I respect him to no end. This therapy was one of the most important things that I ever did for myself – if you are in the Cusco area I cannot recommend him enough.
I also started experimenting with receiving Vitamin C IV and Ozone IV therapies alternating once per week. I even got Ozone gas injections into my lip which was insanely painful and I looked like I had Botox for a couple hours afterwards. I felt truly desperate. While I think the initial IV treatments were a helpful boost – I have since changed my perspective on these therapies and would not recommend them as something you do on a regular basis like I was doing. High doses of synthetically derived Vitamin C (absorbic acid) without a high supplementation of Copper can actually negatively effect on our ability to absorb and assimilate naturally derived vitamins from our food in the long term. I stopped drinking alcohol but I was still really attached to smoking tobacco. I was smoking up to 30 – 40 hand rolled cigarettes per day at the height of my addiction. I was bound to it and I wanted to be. It wasn’t until I had gained some strength and confidence back that I was able to want to be healthy more than I wanted to smoke. So I was able to successfully just quit.
I began a very powerful detox and I went into purge mode for several months. Sweating like crazy every night, lots of diarrhea and some very intense nights of vomiting until I could barely breathe. Acid, bile, parasites… I could feel all of what had been making me sick was finally starting to come up and out – mostly in pretty violent ways. My skin started to improve and my energy levels started to dramatically increase. To my disappointment however, the herpes outbreaks continued on consistently with only a 30% improvement and if I wasn’t in an active outbreak, I was in the stress of anticipation. Every time I had a new blister forming my auto pilot response was naturally frustration. Agitation, helplessness, HATRED towards what was “happening to me.” It felt so out of my control. The idea that I had “contracted this virus” from somewhere was unnerving and I felt like I was at its mercy. I felt like I had no power in the situation and that I was mostly spinning my wheels without much tangible result. It wasn’t until I entered into yet another intense romantic relationship that I started to understand what was really going on. This relationship all seemed really wonderful on the surface. He gave me all the space I wanted and was so adoring and he just praised me all the time. In my presence, he was exactly what I wanted in a lover at the time and I really felt the way that I wanted to feel with him. However as our connection deepened and I opened my heart more – I started to see a consistent pattern of anxiety attacks whenever I would sleep in the same bed with him. My dreams were always very stressful and I had women who I had never met before warning me about him and telling me that he was not being honest with me. We were in an open relationship and I liked that there was pressure taken off of me by him having other lovers so I just tried to talk myself out of feeling uneasy. At some point we became very intimate and decided to close our relationship. During this time I felt the constant polarities of feeling blissful connection with him in my waking life and wild anxiety in my dream world. I started having extreme panic attacks that would last sometimes for hours when we were together and I justified it as my old trauma coming up around trusting men.. That I was feeling anxious because I was still learning how to open up and not create problems that weren’t there as a means to protect myself from being hurt.
I started listening to my anxiety as it increased and when I would tell him about my dreams and the women talking to me in them – he always had an eloquent and convincing way of putting my mind at ease. But the anxiety would only grow to be even more ferocious and it was coming in more often. I would also have a cold sore every time after one of our dates, without fail. His facial hair was really prickly and it irritated my skin so badly that my outbreaks were doubling in size. So I finally gave myself permission to speak to the woman who was visiting me in my dreams (I saw her photo on fb and knew somehow that it was her) Thankfully she leveled with me and confirmed that they had been in a relationship the whole time since we had become monogamous and that she knew he had been lying to me the whole time. This proved to me that I was in fact not paranoid or pushing him away – just really psychic and picking up on the manipulation that was going on. I was ready to let go of my old story that I felt uneasy because I was still a wounded *girl* who didn’t know how to trust. I now saw my anxiety AS INTUITION that was trying to guide and protect me. I realized that I never feel anxious for no reason. That I was now an empowered woman. Grown. Whole and healed and tuned IN and that whenever I felt a contraction in my nervous system – to listen up to whatever I was trying to tell myself. I finally could trust myself that if something felt off it was because it was off – not because I had trust issues. This new intimacy with myself and new response to anxiety started to transform my body immediately. I listened to it as a wise teacher that was actually protecting me, if I would only listen to it instead of fall into old coping mechanisms of talking myself out of feeling an uncomfortable feeling. In my last conversations with this man, he continued to hardcore manipulate me (or try, anyway) and he would lie straight into my eyes. Every time he did this, I felt the anxiety return but this time, I trusted MY BODY. I trusted my feelings instead of his words. This was painful because I was really in love and desperately wanted to believe him. The moment I would choose to trust my feelings as the truth instead of the lies he was telling me, the anxiety would stop immediately. I can now feel the difference between the vibration of authenticity and truth and the vibration of lies and I am invincible to manipulation.
This was a massive turning point in my life. I started to realize how much I was working against myself and how I had forgotten how I had healed my cancer by taking a radically different approach to what the western medical world has taught us to take. So instead of hating the herpes and just obsessing over trying to GET FUCKING RID OF THIS THING THAT WAS RUINING MY LIFE… I started thanking it. I started listening to it. I redirected my focus to trying to understand why it was there in the first place. I started seeing the herpes as a teacher. As a sacred force that was trying to tell me something. Respecting it and respecting myself and taking the perspective I have a really good reason for everything that I feel. I have a really good reason for everything my body creates. I will never forget the moment that I let go of my resistance and deliberately engaged it instead. The moment I welcomed the experience with gratitude and reverence, I felt an undeniable power awaken inside of me. I felt something spin around inside my physical and psychic self and expand in such a powerful way that I remember screaming and crying from overwhelming pleasure and relief. I was being re-wired and I felt it. It had been disarmed.
I have not had an outbreak since that night. This was where the connection between my anxiety (that was based in not trusting myself) and the herpes became glaringly clear. When I would start to ignore any anxious feeling, I would get the dreaded tingle feeling on my lips. Whenever I would start to do something that wasn’t my truth to do it would activate. Any motivation that came from a place of fear, guilt, or obligation was a trigger and the burning sensation would immediately come. I would place my hand here and say “thank you, I’m listening, I’m here and I am putting you first, I promise I will stop whatever is causing me tension right now” and then the tingle would go away. No outbreak would follow, just a warning. I was onto it. I also feel it is important to release any resistance to having another outbreak if there was still more for me to learn from it. After all, being in resistance to another outbreak would create stress – so that pressure to be completely done with it had to go. My new response was “Yes. Welcome. Deep approval and respect for the raw power of this experience. I am willing to continue have this experience as many more times as I need to in order to understand what I am trying to tell myself.”
At first I was relating to it as if it was something outside of myself – like a spirit that was teaching me. As I spent more time inquiring and listening, I was told that it wasn’t something outside of myself at all. That it was just me. It was just something that I WAS CREATING and that it was something that I could disarm within myself, at will. All that was needed was deep understanding of what it was. So finally I learned how to choose myself in every moment. To not allow anyone in my life that was incapable of being honest and to remove anyone who I got this contracted, anxious feeling around. Every time I felt the pinch inside I stopped what I was doing, no matter how bad some other part of me wanted to do it. My outbreaks stopped. Completely stopped. I felt such an intimacy with myself and a new level of trust in my body that I could have only dreamed of for years before. It has been 8 months now with all kinds of stresses and not a single outbreak. Best of all – no fear of one either! I no longer felt afraid of having another cancer either because if I did – my body was taking care of it. All I had to do was trust and be willing and purge away.
As of right now I am still detoxing and healing. I’m not completely there but I am on my way. My skin is 90% clear and improving by the day. My teeth are regenerating, my gums are regrowing rapidly and I have more energy than I ever have. My favorite part is I feel an unshakable trust in myself and in the wisdom of my body. I feel a deep reverence for myself and the illnesses that have been my initiations. I am going to live well into my 100’s and enjoy every single minute of it.
My direct experiences have taught me that cancers are trying to heal us, not kill us. Tumors are our body’s brilliant way of collecting all the threats in our body and consolidating it into one place so that the threat is contained – and then can be completely detoxed out of the body through the elimination channels. I now believe viruses are one of these elimination channels. On the physical level, the blister is purge in and of itself. It’s a detoxification mechanism. Viruses are something we create from within, not something we contract.
When I say I healed my herpes virus – I don’t mean I eradicated it from my body. Because we have millions of viruses in our bodies from birth as part of our micro biome. Eradication isn’t even possible and even if it was – we wouldn’t want to. It actually wouldn’t make any sense at all. Viruses activate and are disarmed. They are part of a self healing mechanism. In order to truly heal something we have to properly understand what it is.
We have to address ALL dimensions of ourselves – physical emotional and spiritual. As important as the long detox is and the rebuilding of my micro biome on the physical level has been – all of my diseases have had prominent emotional triggers. When illnesses are acknowledged as the messenger blessings that they are – they will lead us to thriving health and intimacy with ourselves on all levels. Twice now in my life I have healed the “un-healable” by changing my mind and trusting in my body. People say to me all the time when they hear my story that healing brain cancer and herpes is miraculous. I’m here to tell you that it isn’t. It is just what happens when we truly understand why we get sick and how we get better. Everything you need to heal is already inside of you – just waiting to be activated. Thriving health, joy and peace are only a shift in perspective away. Know thyself and you will be cured.
All paths of sincere healing and empowerment lead you to your own wisdom and to the uniting of the wills. The cultivation of a deep intimacy with the parts of you that youve had to abandon in order to survive is the journey home to yourself. We all have protective mechanisms in place that were necessary for coping with life. These were very important for a state of survival during childhood but are now severely crippling your ability to govern yourself, navigate life’s intensities and thrive in all realms.
I specialize in helping you to disarm these outdated protections and re-frame your perspectives. This re-framing helps you to sincerely validate your pain and start to dissolve it. I help you to cultivate the ability to give to yourself all that you would like to receive from others and to meet the needs that still go unmet. You become the Sovereign Source unto yourself. Through seeing life as an initiation, we begin to see the medicine in all of our most painful experiences and turn our traumas into sources of deep wisdom and insight. What were once your greatest weaknesses become areas of mastery.
Dramatic and immediate transformation takes place through the art and science of emotional alchemy. Having a radically new response to decades-old stimulus breaks the pattern and opens millions of doors within you to create new dynamics in every aspect of your life.
I help you to welcome what would normally reject and embrace what you would normally deny. Feelings, desires, expressions, disowned aspects of yourself that have become the shadows that subconsciously drive you. Most of us have struggled because we have been wrongly encouraged to try to eradicate parts of ourselves that in truth can only be integrated. To try to “kill our egos” is to declare war on ourselves! And I can assure you that any part of you that you try to murder off will absolutely be trying to murder you right back. With gusto. 😉
A lot of us have innocently been misguided to work against ourselves and the rhythms of Nature and thus feel at the mercy of life. For example, instead of invalidating ourselves with an idea like “anger is only a secondary emotion and it is low vibe.. I should try to feel more positive etc etc” or some popular bullshit of that sort… We can choose to listen to that very real and powerful emotion as a message that your boundaries are being crossed in some way and show it deep respect and gratitude for speaking up. When we validate our own anger and hear it out, it immediately diffuses and dissolves. Taking action to honor the wisdom behind that anger builds trust in yourself. You will feel so much more confident in what you feel and seeing it as intuition. There will also be a new level of trust and respect yourself for prioritizing your own needs being met. Most of us simply didn’t have models of this perspective and have been working against ourselves for our whole lives. I often see the shadow as a dragon and the old and endless ways we have tried and failed to slay it. I help you to remember that the dragon and all of its ferocious power is in fact – you; and that you can evolve from Dragon Slayer to Dragon Rider.. You can master it in order to direct that holy fire and allow all of you to finally work in your favor. You can use even your most destructive powers for good. We need only to call these parts of us home.
By embracing every part of ourselves and showing deep reverence for the aspects that we have yet to understand, we reclaim our wholeness and set ourselves free. I can help you do this. I remind you how to journey to the wells of wisdom, peace and inspiration within you and reclaim your endless power as Creator God in human form. Everything that you need is already inside of you. You are the Sovereign Authority of yourself. You are the only one who decides who and what you are. You are the only one who decides what you are deserving, worthy and capable of. You are wise. You are powerful. You are brave and you are free.
Thank you for taking your time to read this ❤ get in touch with me directly to book. Sending lots of love and support to you all
Hi yall! I know that making your first brew can feel intimidating and that we can worry about poisoning ourselves by doing it wrong. Let me put your mind at ease and walk you through the steps to making your own brew. Once you do it the first time – you will be amazed at how easy, fun and rewarding it is! Not to worry ❤
2 cups kombucha
1 cup Black tea
1 cup Hibiscus tea (optional)
1/2 kilo raw brown sugar (panela)
Large glass jar (preferably with a pour spout)
Brew a super strong tea (I add my tea to the cold water, bring it to a rolling boil and then turn off the heat) Add sugar and stir
Let cool completely before pouring into the jar (very important so that you do not crack your glass jar or scald your sweet little scoby – ask me how I learned this part haha)
Place scoby into the tea with clean hands
Say some kind of blessing to make a connection with your scoby
Cover lid of jar with cheesecloth or a thin fabric and tie with a string
Place in a dry place in your house where it will be undisturbed
Wait and watch the magic start to do its thing. You will see small bubbles starting to form right away
The scoby will turn the sweet tea into kombucha in about 5-7 days depending on how hot it is in your house
You can drink the kombucha like this or you can do a second fermentation to flavor and carbonate it (my favorite!)
Second fermentation process:
Make a juice from sweet fruits and fruit jam. Blend 4 cups of juice with 1-4 tablespoons of marmalade and/or herbs/spices.
Fill a 1- liter bottle with half kombucha and half the juice and jam mixture and seal tightly. Carbonation will begin immediately and again depending on your climate – it can really bubble up in as little as a day with lots of heat or as long as 10 days if it’s cold. It’s just about personal preference at this point so you can experiment with the flavor combinations. This makes 4 one liter bottles of finished kombucha. Make sure that you leave at least 2 inches of space in the neck of the bottle to allow space for the carbonation to grow. Also make sure to let the air out of the bottles once a day to keep them from exploding, and put them in the fridge when they have reached your desired level of carbonation.
My own bias aside, everyone who has tried my kombucha tells me it is the best they have ever had. My secret is ultra aggressive sugar via fruit jam – it does something absolutely magical. Enjoy ❤
My absolute favorite combination is blueberry/peach/mango/pear juice with blueberry jam
Peach juice with peach jam or rose jam
Pear juice and rose jam
Blueberry juice and rose jam
Apple juice and blueberry jam
Apple juice and rose jam
You get the idea – its hard to go wrong here!
If you cannot find a kombucha scoby from a friend or pro, you can create your own. Just buy a bottle of kombucha and empty it except for about an inch of liquid at the bottom. You want to choose a bottle of kombucha that has a lot of sediment in the bottom of it – “the mother”. Cover the jar with some fabric and a string and wait for a gelatinous layer to form. This will be your new scoby. Make the tea extra strong and sweet to grow the scoby into full size so that it fills the large glass jar.
When you are filling your bottles with kombucha for second ferment, leave about 2 cups of kombucha in the jar with the scoby to mix in with your new sweet tea and encourage the fermentation process. Its actually more difficult to mold your scoby than you would think – unless it is actually fuzzy, its probably not mold.
I hope this is helpful and helps to make your first brew less intimidating! Im here to support you too if you have any questions
I’ve turned on my regeneration switch and stopped aging by restoring my micro biome. My sun spots are disappearing, my energy levels are through the roof and the most recent dramatic shift is my TEETH ARE REPAIRING THEMSELVES. I was put on Dilantin anti seizure medication ten years ago when I discovered a massive brain tumor that was causing grand mal seizures. Within only 3 months I had a large grey hole in one of my front teeth near the gum line. (This prompted the unauthorized weaning off of this medication – if it was able to do that to my teeth, what was it doing to my soft insides?!) It had only gotten deeper and darker over this time until last year when I returned to right relationship with bacteria. The cavity was deep and I could feel the exposed nerve with my fingernail and it was very sensitive to heat and cold.
Now it is sealed. Completely sealed. I cannot feel any sensitivity and it’s getting whiter and whiter and more solid every week. Extremely high doses of probiotics via homemade kombucha, lots of contact with germs and dirty animals and other people. No more pharmaceuticals. No more antibacterial anything – I only wash my hands with a natural soap when cooking or after I use the bathroom. And most importantly- doing the emotional healing work so that I have full utilization of all my life force towards regeneration as opposed to it being tied up in resisting pain and repressing shadows.
We ARE the ultimate, most miraculous, sacred technology. We can heal ourselves from anything when we understand why we get sick in the first place and how we heal. Get in touch with me for a session if you are ready to reclaim your health and thrive emotionally by returning to yourself and returning to nature ❤️ I have openings next week