Ive been 33 for a day now and it already feels like my favorite year ever. This last year was the most powerful and beautiful of my life so far and I am so excited for all the magic that is brewing within me. I experienced so many new things that rewired me on fundamental levels. I faced my fears and met my dark side. I welcomed her home and began the process of true shadow integration. I evolved out of survival mode and fully reclaimed my body. I explored shibari, bdsm, dominance, submission and kink for the first time and it changed my life forever. I severed with countless people. I re-connected with some of the most epic soulmates I could imagine and have found true sisterhood. I fell in and out of love with someone and then in love with someone else. For the first time ever, I am with a man that relaxes me. To say the least, he makes everything feel so easy and time disappears. He heals me with his deep stillness and long silences. I melt into my feminine softness in his presence. So. In. Love.
I adopted a mama dog and raised her 6 puppies with her. I was her adoring midwife for both her birth and for her death. I quit smoking tobacco after a torrid romance of seven years with cigarettes. It’s been almost a month now and I can’t believe the breakthroughs I have experienced on all levels. Just went through a massive detox and I feel a clarity and confidence that is beyond anything I have experienced so far. Feels like a new world and I can literally feel my body healing by the moment. It’s wild to feel myself come fully alive again. This year is also my ten year anniversary of healing from malignant brain cancer and I am THRIVING xxx I’ve never enjoyed being alive more than I do right now.
I feel free and fully myself after years of exploration and painful processing. In love with all aspects of myself Dark and Light. I feel safe and supported. Empowered and liberated. Fierce and gentle. Erotic and inspired. Shameless and joyful. I feel full of love, magic and sex. Living in paradise surrounded by beauty and the animals I love so much. Grateful to the mysterious nature of Life. Grateful for all that she gives and all that she takes away. There is so much that I want to share but for now I just want to express my gratitude for absolutely every fucking thing I have ever experienced. Thank you to all of you who journey with me – i love you and appreciate you beyond words! I feel so lucky to be loved by all of you legends xx let’s celebrate every day of this life and bless every experience we have.
I am planning so many offerings to share this next year from retreats and courses to books and videos. Stay tuned
This is an experience I had some months ago that I would love to share here. I was tricked into giving information to someone I thought I knew that allowed them to access my fb account. Honestly I was in a really good mood and had a glass of wine and was feeling generous so I didn’t think twice about it until it was too late. They pretended like they were locked out of their account and needed a phone number code to get back in. They called me on Skype to talk me through the process to “unlink our accounts” and suddenly all of these nude photos of me started scrolling down the screen and the hacker said to me “you have 30 seconds to strip down to your underwear and do whatever I tell you or ALL of these photos will be sent to your 5000 contacts.” It was like a movie.
Honestly I just started laughing. One because I felt so silly for letting myself be tricked and two.. that he chose the wrong person to blackmail with nude photos because I couldnt give a fuck about folks seeing me naked. When I told him that I didn’t care and that he could go ahead and post them he became extremely angry.
He continued to tell me they would go viral and humiliate me and destroy my life. I asked how would this destroy my life? I don’t respond to manipulation regardless of the threat. You cannot shame me. You cannot scare me. You cannot bully or intimidate me. You have no power over me. So do whatever you want to do…. he continued to seem shocked and infuriated that there was nothing he could do to control me. Then I tried to get him to open up to me.. that he was obviously angry or in pain and that I could help him. I wanted to understand what his motivations were. He refused to tell me anything and said that I would never get my account back and lose all of my contacts… trying another angle. Admittedly I was super bummed at the idea of losing all my contacts and memories documented here but I tried to play if off like I didn’t really care about that either and I would just make a new account. He called me several more times and wrote me saying “last chance… I’m going to post the photos now!” And I just said wtf are you waiting for?! Go ahead! Which seemed to take the fun out of it for him and he never posted them. He then locked up the system so that I couldn’t change my password and access my account. I made a new one to try to let y’all know what was going on and he was telling everyone I was the hacker lol. So after a few days of getting in touch with fb I finally recovered it this morning and I feel so relieved!
This was a powerful example for me on how we can allow ourselves to be manipulated by fear and shame – or not. That when we have conquered these – no one has the ability to control us. When we are in our power, no one can touch us. I was joking that after all of the threatening and build up for hours.. I was almost disappointed that he didn’t post them! I was so emotionally prepared hshaha. Just kidding of course – I ended up with a best case scenario. I got my account back AND somehow avoided making an internet porn debut 😉 For me this was a confirmation of how far I’ve come and how shameless and liberated I feel in every part of my life. Always grateful for these little opportunities and I’m laughing my way through the challenges.
So beware of these sad people looking to prey on your shame and show them the power of self respect instead xx
So – I spoke much too soon a couple weeks ago when I said I was done with the stones. I am still attempting to pass what feels like a very large stone in my right side that is intent on taking it’s sweet ass time to pass. I am still in bed most of the day and in a wild amount of pain. I’ve gotten surprisingly used to it but cannot do much, stand or walk around for more than a few minutes.
I want to share with you my process. When I wrote the last time I was still disconnected from the true purpose of this experience. Seeing it as little more than a medical emergency that I needed to be over and done with NOW so I can get back to work!
Pushed beyond my physical and mental limits I am now embracing this for what it is. An initiation. A purification of ancient and recent fear, rage, grief, jealousy, fear of deception and resentment. Many of you know that I was severely sexually and psychologically abused as a child and that much of my personal journey has been about healing my relationship with men and clearing all the trauma from my cellular memory. Having brain cancer in 2010 gave me a massive opportunity to accelerate that process. Huge blessing disguised as a huge tumor. The wisdom I gained from that experience is guiding me again now as I heal layers I have been unready and unable to access until this time.
I am feeling every heartbreak of my life. Finding the courage to break down the walls I have built to protect my heart. One stone at a time 😉 Feeling so humbled in every way. I’ve been brought to my knees in wild surrender and desperate prayer as the catharsis violently tears away at all that binds me. I am forced by fire to summon the courage within myself and to engage my willingness to forgive. To forgive all abuses of my heart and body. Most importantly to forgive myself. To bless the experiences for their valuable lessons and to finally let go of the hurt. To see that anytime we are disillusioned we cultivate discernment and wisdom. To create space inside myself and my life for true intimacy and love. To finally feel safe in every cell to be vulnerable and to trust the masculine. I have always found it so therapeutic to expose myself and my process with full transparency. It almost feels silly to a certain point, now. To hold onto anger as a way to protect myself. To hold onto anger as an attempt to hurt the other person. Like the old saying goes, holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick… In my case it’s been drinking poison and forming little jagged stones that literally rip you open as they pass through.
I cry every day. I have cried every type of cry. At times of birth like pain literally screaming and crying. Moaning. Sounding. Grunting. Growling. Breathing fire. Convulsing and spasming as every muscle in body contacted in searing pain. Allowing it to push me into a state of trance and to enter the realm of peace through the acceptance of unbearable suffering. What has been most beautiful is the quiet tears of joy, gratitude and love that always follow the most merciless moments of pain and purging.
Instead of praying for the pain to stop – blessing and releasing all RESISTANCE to the pain. Breathing into it and allowing it to wash over me and through me. Creating a deeper intimacy with my body and greater trust in her wisdom. Giving thanks to the stones. Loving them. Trusting that this is exactly what I need right now. Allowing myself to rest. To receive. To focus on myself and not work for the longest time in my career so far. To ask for help even though it’s scary and uncomfortable sometimes. (see? Healing all kinds of old stuff)
To be patient and gentle with myself and to take pressure off to be done with this already. To remember many things I know but have forgotten in recent years.
Any of you who are astrologically minded will need take only one look at my chart to see how obvious this is. My Saturn return starts this year. I have Saturn/mars transits, Jupiter/chiron transits. Pluto/mars transits… Need I say more? To sum up: death and rebirth, transformation, purification, elimination of all the no longer serves. Anger, rage, sexuality, aggression, expression of will. Constriction, depression, effort, fear, doubt, discipline, mastery. Expansion, healing of the oldest wounds, initiation, blessings and sacred gifts and wisdom.
This is a Rite of Passage in my life. This is my ceremony. I am transforming from Maiden to Mother… And because I do not feel the call or desire to have children, I am giving birth to crystals instead 🙂 I’m giving birth to a stronger and more embodied version myself. To freedom. To intimacy. To wisdom. To forgiveness. To compassion. To the next chapter of my life and work. Although I do not know how long this last one will take to pass, I so look forward to bringing all of this insight, clarity and empowerment into my sessions and fully reaping what I have sewn. I have gained so much empathy that I never had before (I had never dealt with physical pain before this) and am grateful for the way this will make me more effective in my work as well.
Thank you for reading all of this. Thank you for your support, patience and love. If you all could hold space for me and see this last one finally passing I would be so grateful for your magic. Thank you all for being part of my life and my healing journey. Giving thanks for all it’s joys and pains ❤ I surrender.
I am writing to share my most recent experience with the jungle medicine, Kambo. It is one of the most fierce purges I have ever experienced – with profound results to match. Kambo is a medicine made from the toxins of the skin of an Amazonian frog and the application itself is an initiation. Small holes are burned into your skin with a special stick and the venom is applied through the burn marks. You drink two full liters of water immediately before to ease the passage. The onset of sensations is immediate. Your heart starts to pound loudly in your chest. Your throat swells (but will not close). A pressure builds from the spine up into the head as intense nausea starts to set in. Sometimes your face even starts to swell up – making you look like a froggy human creature. Sometimes there is tingling in the hands and feet. You have a bucket in front of you for when the release finally comes – sometimes within a minute of application up to several minutes. You vomit violently into the bucket and it is common for it to be full of bile, toxins, mucous and whatever else that is better out than in. Sometimes you have a purge from the bowels as well – even better – both at the same time! The benefits are well worth the short amount of suffering and discomfort.
A great article with specifics and more scientific aspects: http://www.heartoftheinitiate.com/files/Kambo-Scientific-Research-Healing-Treatments.pdf
I am inspired to share my experience because it was such a profound humbling and a reminder of how the plants (and frogs) teach us about surrender. About embracing pain instead of trying to escape it. About truly and sincerely letting go of being in control.
It has been about 4 years since my first Kambo treatment and I felt called again to receive it about 3 weeks ago. I am going to post my photos of my purge so if you are squeemish – consider yourself forewarned 🙂
I was amazed at how much I struggled with resistance the first round of the three treatments. I received 3 points above my left ankle. Being a low-ish dose, it took a while for the purge to come and I immediately felt myself go into stubborn resistance to all the discomfort I was feeling. I saw my mind go into a repeating loop that said “I HATE THIS. I am NEVER doing this again. I am NOT going to finish all 3 rounds. I HATE this! This is horrible. I am never doing this again. I cant wait for it to be over. I hate this…….” and on and on. This resistance seemed to intensify all of the sensations and I was shocked at how difficult it was for me to shift into a place of willingness. As it all started to calm down, a wave of emotion washed over me and tears streamed down my face. I was reminded that this resistance was a very old protective mechanism. An ancient way of coping with overwhelm through shutting down, disconnecting from my body and feelings, going into my mind and bracing myself until its over. Feelings of compassion towards my younger self flooded me and I honored myself for being brave – and reminded myself that its safe to feel.
The second treatment was by far the easiest and most enjoyable. I received 5 points on my right ankle. Instead of going into resistance when I felt the sensations coming on, I surrendered and just said “thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!” throughout the entire experience. It was a deep effortless purge and I felt anchored in the peace of acceptance and surrender. Tears began to stream down my face as I embraced the feelings of grace that were being woven through me and around me. I felt so grateful and empowered. I remind myself that I always have to choices: I can resist and suffer – or accept and be at peace. I can resist and suffer – or surrender and be transformed. Feelings of bliss remained for the rest of the experience.
The third treatment proved to be the most intense and difficult. Not because I went into resistance again but because I started experiencing all of the sensations of the medicine before the ceremony had even started. I woke up that morning feeling heavy and a little sick to my stomach. I remember going over excuses in my head and began plotting my escape. Luckily, I did not succeed in talking myself out of it. As I sat there drinking my water and preparing myself, I started shaking uncontrollably. I felt nauseas and even the tightening in my throat. I had to go to the bathroom 2 or 3 times before we even began. I struggled drinking all of the water I needed to because I felt like it was going to come right back up. I admit I began to feel anxious and wanted to intellectualize what was happening.. But soon enough was able to just trust in my body and in the medicine and that they both knew exactly what they were doing. I received 7 points on my left ankle. Immediately all of the usual sensations were intensified x10 it seemed, and no amount of surrendering was going to make it any easier. I was being WORKED. I was being taken to my limits and then pushed just over them. As we all came to, I noticed every person in the room was in the fetal position, equally as humbled as I was. Being our final of 3 sessions, it was a powerful note to end on.
What I am most excited about sharing is the EFFECTS that I am experiencing. The day after my last treatment I felt reborn. Full of energy and inspiration. My mind feels so much more calm and clear. My senses are heightened, and I notice a tangible desire to take better care of myself in all respects. I feel that it cleared stagnant energy that I have been holding onto for a couple of years now and I feel the inspiration to CREATE again. I also feel a renewed sense of motivation to do things like….. write in my blog and rewrite my website – and here is the first post in two years with a more current expression of myself in my bio and description of my work. I love results. I look forward to seeing how I feel over the coming weeks.
If you feel called to receive this medicine I highly recommend Eran Fakir in Pisac. He holds beautiful space and I felt very safe and supported throughout the entire process. You can reach him at Fakir@protonmail.com
I also recommend Adrian Rivas (who is travelling now and Im not sure where) as I had my first experiences with him and trust him completely with advanced cases also. You can contact him on Facebook.
Thank you Kambo for your magical healing and thank you all for visiting my site and sharing in my life. Viva Kambo!
My September 2013 Cleanse
Hi family! With so many people asking the details and protocol of the cleanse I have been doing, I thought it would make the most sense to just put it all in one place. First of all, I feel its very important for me to say that everyone’s bodies are very different and have different needs and thresholds. My experiences with cleansing and detoxification began in 2010 and it has been a beautiful journey of coming into enough intimacy with myself to be able to listen within and trust the wisdom of my body. So please, if this is your first time cleansing, please educate yourself thoroughly and be gentle with yourself as well!
The cleanse I have been doing is a fusion (like most processes I prefer) of many different cleanses. I am not recommending or advising anyone, I am simply sharing my perspective and what works for me 🙂
I start off in the morning with a strong Noni juice made with pineapple and lots of aloe (we get the fresh noni fruit here but a concentrate is great too!)
I am taking Arise & Shine cleansing herbs (3 of each in the morning about 30+ minutes after my noni juice and then 3 of each again in the evening) Then waiting another 30 minutes or an hour and taking a shake made of Psyllium husk and Bentonite Clay (Also from Arise & Shine) If you go to their website, you can download their “Cleansing Guides” for free to get a feel of the exact protocol and the descriptions of all the herbs. http://www.ariseandshine.com/cleansing/cleanse-guides.html
The Bentonite Clay draws toxins, heavy metals and parasites out of your entire system and binds them. The psyllium husk helps eliminate everything smoothly.
All throughout the day I drink the “Master Cleanse” lemonade which is water, lemons, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. I also like to add some ginger to it as well. It is also super important to drink as much water during the day as humanly possible in between lemonades and juices. I also drink a mango/passion fruit/pineapple/apple/whatever juice once or twice in the day if I want too. I really just listen to what my body is asking for when it comes to the juices. Mid day is also the time where I take some super green supplements.
At night I make a broth with just a bunch of vegetables and TONS of fresh herbs with a little pink salt. I like to use loads of garlic and ginger and turmeric and use it as a medicine as well. We have also added some blended but very thin soups towards the end of our cleanse too like a pumpkin puree soup. Blended smoothies and soups will slow down the detoxification process. So if you really want to go as deep as possible, its best to stick to pure liquids. Before bed I drink a strong laxative of Senna tea and take some probiotics.
On day 10 (which is tomorrow as of right now) I will do a liver flush in the evening. A good website to describe this protocol is here: http://www.awaken.cc/awaken/pagesE/library/eLiverFlush.html
I am very sensitive so I will be taking a very small amount of epsom salts to make it as gentle as possible. In other cycles in my life, I would take the full warrior dose.. But again, this is all about being in harmony with our own rhythms, and honoring what resonates.
Other than that, I am resting all day, doing some yoga, embracing all the feelings that come up and letting it all go with love. Originally I planned on doing it for 10 days but now I am going to go for another 4 days to make it 2 whole weeks. It’s amazing how in the beginning you wonder if you will make it through even half of it and by the end, you want to keep going because you feel so amazing!
I do recommend getting massages and energy work during your cleanses to keep the energy moving. It’s definitely a time of rest and receiving for me 🙂
A note about colonic hydrotherapy:
If you are in an area of the world where this therapy is offered, it is irreplaceable and absolutely the most powerful and efficient way to detox and cleanse on the planet! If you do not have access to it, of course you can do a cleanse without it, but here’s the thing; if you take strong herbs and supplements to start detoxifying all your organs, tissues etc, all of those toxins flood your system and get dumped into your blood stream. If your colon is not clear enough to eliminate all that is coming out (and usually, it’s not) then you can become constipated and your body reabsorbs the toxins and you can get really sick. This is why you want to be careful and not overwhelm your system by just “winging it” when it comes to super powerful herbal medicines and parasites. So with a series of colonics, you can make sure you are properly eliminating all of the waste you are stirring up and not to mention all of the parasites that you are uprooting from your tissues. Also, when detoxing rapidly, you usually have a lot of diarrhea. So you can either run to the bathroom off an on all day or you can have literally pounds of old shit cleaned out with a colonic in 45 minutes. Efficient and very satisfying, especially if you are into instant gratification. I had 3 colonics a week for 6 months and 1 a week for a year after that. I started right after I was diagnosed with brain cancer and within 6 months it was almost completely gone. I am a huge believer. Here are the websites of my Hydro therapist in California: http://angelaburleson.com/parasites.html and http://wellnessoflifedavis.com/
Her name is Angela Burleson. She is an incredibly powerful and gifted healer and one of my dearest sisters. She has tons of great information and resources on her website. If you are ever in California and have a chance to go see her, it will change your life. She is truly the best in the world at what she does.
So this is my process. I hope this is helpful! Let me know how your own cleanses are going. Much love and gratitude to all of you ❤
To be in harmony with life’s rhythms and cycles… I am reminded once again that when I embrace the depths of my sorrows and the pains of growth.. It allows me to also fully feel what always follows.. immense, overflowing, almost unbearable joy and freedom.
We are so guided. So supported, and so unconditionally loved by the Universe.. Love and gratitude ♥ Blessings!
My experience of the Chakras
Located at base of spine
Safety, Existance, Survival and Security
Is my body a safe place? Is this world a safe place? Do I have the right to exist? Do I have the right to have everything I need? Do I have a purpose? Is my family a safe place? Do I feel supported? Do I even have the right to be supported?
Emotions stored here are fear and anger (Think fight or flight)
Mantras to balance this center:
I bless and release all fear.
I bless and release all anger.
I am safe and protected.
It is safe for me to be in my body.
I have the right to be here and to fulfill my Divine Purpose.
The Universe provides me with everything I need. I have enough and as I need more, I have more.
I am supported by the Universe in every way.
I am protected, guided and supported by the highest powers of Love.
I trust in my Divine Protection.
I trust in my Divine Support.
I trust in my Divine Guidance.
Divine Love surrounds and protects me.
Located at navel
Emotions and Sexuality
Is it safe for me to feel my feelings? Is it safe for me to express my emotions? How do I express them? Do I embrace them? Cry about them? Talk about them? Write about them? Ignore and repress them? Reject and deny them? Store and hold them in?
Is my sexuality a safe place? Is my sexuality sacred? Is it expressed from a place of love and respect? Is it pleasurable or painful? Does it feel shameful or healing?
The emotion stored here is shame, but in general this is a holding place for all unexpressed emotion. All sexual abuse and trauma are also heavily carried in this center.
Mantras to balance:
I bless and release all shame.
I bless and release all unexpressed emotions.
It is safe for me to feeI.
It is safe for me to embrace all of my emotions.
I embrace and honor all of my feelings.
I have the right to feel.
It is safe for me to express my emotions.
My sensitivity is a gift.
My sexual energy flows freely.
I embrace my sexuality and express it from a place of love and respect.
My emotions and sexuality are sacred.
I bless and release all shame.
I bless and release all unexpressed emotions.
Located under ribcage
Power, Will, Boundaries and Identity
Emotion stored here is guilt. We also store unhealthy attachments here in the form of etheric cords.
Right use of power and conscious expression of will. Do I have the right to be powerful? Do I express my power from a place of love and respect? Do I express my power with integrity in a direct and transparent way? Do I manipulate others either passively or aggressively? Do I have the right to draw clear boundaries? Do I have the right to say no? Do I have the right to end toxic relationships? What are my beliefs around who I am? Who and what do I give my power away to?
Mantras to balance:
I bless and release all guilt.
I sever, bless and release all etheric cord attachments that no longer serve me.
I reclaim my power.
I have the right to say no.
I draw healthy boundaries from a place of love and respect.
I express my power from a place of love, respect and integrity.
I am a Divine spiritual being, having this human experience to heal and transcend.
I am 100% Divine Consciousness, now.
I now reclaim my infinite power, infinite wisdom and infinite abundance.
I am my highest, wisest, most Divine self.
Located in the chest
Love, Forgiveness, Compassion and Acceptance
Emotion stored here is judgement and criticalness of self and others, self contempt, resentment, hatred, sadness and grief.
Am I deserving of love? Am I deserving of patience? Am I deserving of compassion? Am I deserving of kindness? Am I deserving of forgiveness? Am I deserving of abundance and blessings? Am I capable of forgiving others? Do I allow myself to give and recieve freely?
Mantras to balance:
I bless and release all grief.
I bless and release all resentment.
I bless and release all hatred.
I bless and release all judgment.
I bless and release all unforgivness.
I am deserving of love and compassion.
I am deserving of kindness.
I deserve to be gentle with myself.
I deserve to be patient with myself.
I forgive myself.
I allow myself to receive forgiveness from others.
I forgive all who have hurt me, consciously or unconsciously.
I allow myself to receive love.
I allow myself to receive abundance.
I allow myself to receive blessings.
I accept myself.
I approve of myself.
I love myself unconditionally.
Located in throat and neck
Self expression, creativity, communication between body and mind, communication with others, listening, speaking your truth
Unspoken truth, unexpressed feelings and creative energy are stored here
Mantras to balance:
I speak my truth from a place of love and respect.
I have the right to speak my truth.
I have the right to be listened to and heard.
It is safe for me to speak my truth and express my feelings and thoughts.
I allow my creativity to flow freely.
I express my divinity through my art and expression.
Third Eye Chakra
Located in forehead between/just above the physical eyes
Clarity, Intuition, Psychic gifts, self trust, acceptance of what is
Self doubt and resistance are stored here.
Mantras to balance:
I bless and release all self doubt.
I bless and release all resistance to what is.
I see with clarity.
I trust my intuition and honor its messages.
I trust my mind.
I trust myself.
It is safe for me to see the truth with clarity.
I trust in my gifts.
I listen within for guidance.
I trust in my Divine Guidance.
I trust myself to speak and act from a place of love, compassion and integrity.
Located in the top of the head
Divinity, Trust, Surrender, Wisdom, Healing, Gratitude and Higher Self
Doubt in Divine forces or your connection to them. Doubt in your own Divine nature. Feeling alone and unfulfilled. Lack of spiritual practice and spiritual nurturing will shut this center down.
Remembering connection with your Higher Self, Spirit Guides, Angelics, Medicine Animals and all other helping spirits. Conscious awareness of the truth of our Divine and infinite nature. Conscious awareness of our constant Divine guidance and support. Any practice of gratitude unlocks this chakra: even just saying “thank you” to the universe, worship, devotion, prayer, meditation, ritual, yoga, tantra etc.
Mantras to balance:
I surrender my burdens/suffering/healing to the Divine.
I trust that all is unfolding for my highest good and deepest healing.
Every step of my Earth walk is Divinely guided.
I am guided and supported by the highest powers of love.
I invoke my higher self.
I accept. I trust. I surrender. I allow.
I am love. I am trust. I am gratitude.
Healing, Love, Trust and Gratitude