I’ve had a really powerful breakthrough in my health and I finally feel ready to share about it.

A couple months ago I suddenly developed a very large and painful lump in my left breast near my armpit. It was the size of 2 golf balls and was extremely hard and sore. I was also starting to have intense twinges of stinging pain that felt like a bee sting where the lumps were and the pain would move around in different parts of my breast. I also started to see a red inflamed rash starting to form on the outside of my skin where the mass was.

When I saw the rash forming, I admit I had a moment of panic. It was clear that my body was screaming at me to pay attention. So I did just that. I did not go to a western doctor. I did not go for a mammogram or a breast scan of any kind. I did not go to a hospital because I was not having a “medical emergency.” I was having a breakthrough.

The first thing I did was slow down all the way down. I had a good cry. I thanked it for being here and for getting my attention. I thanked my body for communicating with me and I promised to listen. “Thank you for being here. I bless you and honor you and welcome you. I deeply approve of you. What are you trying to tell me?”
I opened my heart and welcomed the insight that began to flow from the pain as it flooded my brain and body with emotion, images and symbols.

My body told me stories of betrayal and neglect. I had abandoned myself again. I’d gotten so busy that I moved out of alignment with myself again and I hadn’t even noticed. I had started rushing again. Pushing, forcing, pressuring… trying to control life. Trying to make myself fit where I didn’t belong. I had gotten out of balance again. I’d gotten impatient and reactive. Sitting too much and not moving enough. Giving too much and not receiving enough. Holding too much and not surrendering enough. Taking on too much and not resting enough. Distracting too much and not feeling enough.

This pain was a blessing. A gift. A loving part of me calling me home to myself. Home to my body. Home to stillness and silence. Home to peace and balance. A call to come back into alignment. To come back into harmony with my own sacred rhythms and cycles. A call to feel what I have been avoiding and to reclaim the parts of myself that I had been pushing away. All I needed to do was listen and answer that call.

So I listened for days as grief poured out of me. I cried from my bones and wept for my younger selves. I felt the pain of my self betrayals and I owned them. I apologized and begged for my own forgiveness. I made amends to my body and promises to honor her and care for her. So now that I knew why it was there, I now had to learn what I needed for it to be resolved. “What can I do for you? What do you need from me?”

The answers were very clear. Return to grace. You need to slow down. You need to receive. You need touch. You need affection. You need softness. You need a restful, slow pace. You need gentleness and compassion. You need space and empty schedules and lots of time in the woods. You need to soften where you are hardened. To melt where you are stiff. You need to dance and sing and be moved by what inspires you. You need to offer grace to what you judge and reject. But most of all you need to feel your pain. Feel your sadness. Feel your loneliness. Feel your heart break and rage. To walk through your personal hell’s and bring the light of deep approval there.

So I did. I met all of my anger, resentment, aggression and reactivity. And I met the hurt that was hiding underneath them. I dove into the ocean of grief they were protecting me from. Thank you anger, you’ve done so well. I no longer need this kind of protection. It’s safe for me to feel my sadness. It’s safe for me to grieve. It’s safe for me to be vulnerable and to truly let go.

I stayed in this cathartic welcoming for a couple of weeks thanking and releasing… and over a period of 5 days during my next menstrual cycle, the lumps completely dissolved. The more I understood what my body was asking of me, the quicker she responded to me. The more I trusted in the wisdom of my body, the faster she could heal. I could feel the mass shrinking with some mild pain and a draining kind of sensation. The last and final dissolving happened after the decision to let go of a situation that I felt deeply attached to. The relief I have felt since that moment has been truly elevating.

In the couple of weeks following this, my breasts have grown a full cup size and continue to become fuller. (More than the physical aesthetic this is proof that my lymphatic system is flowing and I’m in a regenerative state) My skin has become more clear and radiant and my nervous system has completely regulated. My hair fall that has been going on for two years has completely stopped. I might lose two strands after a shampoo now where it was coming out in handfuls every day before.

When I stay in alignment with myself, I thrive on all levels. All dis-ease is just a sign we have gotten out of balance and that it’s time to come home. All illness is just a sign that it’s time to let the healing waters flow through you and it’s time to cleanse within and without.

The emotional root was the most important part but supporting my body with enzymes was also very crucial. I took Ambrosia and Mycelia enzymes everyday for the first month and then doubled up on Mycelia for the second month and I know it was a massive part of my healing. I was also taking quantum particles for digestive support. The Mycelia mushrooms focus on shrinking tumors and cleaning blood and clots and it’s one of the most powerful allies for healing I have ever found. I am going to continue with this protocol and am getting ready to do another Rainbow cleanse in the next couple of weeks.

I am so in awe of what I have just experienced and I feel so in love with life. So in love with my body. There is truly a sacred design to this realm. Everything is here to help us grow and evolve. All challenges are here to initiate us. All illness is here to help us know our power to heal. And all healing begins with understanding. Know yourself and you will be healed.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for being a part of my journey. I feel more passionate than ever about guiding and supporting people through their detox showed work adventures. I’m here for you when you feel ready. ♥️

Mycelia

Ambrosia

Quantum Particles

Discount code READYTOHEAL

I just finished a 21 day cleanse and I feel ready to share my experience. I did 10 days of water fasting followed by 7 days of liquids and another few days of adding soft foods and fruit. I would call it my most successful cleanse so far.

I released over 6 feet of hardened mucoid plaque rope from my colon and around 15 pounds of water weight from the intestinal cleanse in the first 5 days. During the oil flush I purged parasites, bile, fat and stones that were built up in my liver. I am still having powerful emotional releases as I integrate all of the new space inside of me. I have almost 15 years of experience with fasting since my first 8 day water fast that set me into my spiritual path and have explored lots of different approaches over all of these years. I am still in awe of what I let go of and the profound physical, mental and emotional shifts that it has catalyzed. While it was by far the most profound detox I have ever tried, (weeks of colon hydrotherapy in one week) it is also the most gentle.

Fruits, herbs, mushrooms, vegetables and seaweeds fermented for 3 years using an ancient Zen Buddhist technique in Taiwan. Tibetan sutras play over loud speakers and bless them day and night 24/7 as they turn into powerful enzymes. The enzymes digest all of the un digested food, plaque and mucous build up in the colon and allow you to pass it as a long thick rope. The enzymes are used in specific combinations for colon, liver and lung cleanses, maintenance protocols etc. You can do just the one day colon cleanse or just the one day liver purge. Or you can do them both together as a longer and more complete cleanse. I decided to try both the colon and liver cleanse together and I got way more than I bargained for.

The colon cleanse is just one day of drinking the enzymes with water all day and it is very easy. The flavors are mild and sweet and easy to take in and I found the process of mixing all the powders entertaining. It was so gentle I questioned if it was working! I released my plaque on days 3 and 4 so you just have to rest and let the enzymes loosen everything up to be passed. I will never do any other liver cleanse because this one doesn’t use Epsom salts! Honestly I have avoided doing a liver flush for 9 years since my last one because it was such a violent and intense purge. Drinking the Epsom salts truly was unbearable for me and this cleanse uses fruit enzymes instead to soften and open everything up. You still drink an olive oil and lemon mixture that has its own inevitable intensity, but it’s a hundred times easier than the other approach. I used to vomit for hours during a liver flush and with this cleanse I didn’t vomit at all and barely felt nauseas besides in the moment of drinking the oil. I was impressed with what I was able to release from my liver and the emotional processing from that continues. Lots of good cries and letting go of whatever was being held there. I am just now starting to eat again and so far I am feeling great.

I loved that there is an at home retreat group on telegram for the Rainbow cleanse where people support one another, share their experiences and post photos of their releases for interpretation. There is a lot of valuable information in the color, texture, consistency etc of your releases that can give you powerful insight into changes that need to be made in order for balance to be restored. I found out that I have too much damp heat in my body, while others will have too much dryness and cold. This is corrected through diet, herbal medicines and lifestyle and is the perfect compass for staying in alignment with yourself and in harmony with the seasons.

This is the short version. I’m going to share a more detailed day by day and description of each element of the product and share the photos of my plaque as well for those who like the gory details.

If you prefer the short version and would rather skip the photos – there is a warning photo before the plaque photos so just stop scrolling when you see it. You can check out the cleanse for yourself here with this link. I was already designing private weekend and week long detox retreats at my favorite spa for folks both remotely and here in Mexico with a focus on colonics and fasting. I am now going to incorporate this cleanse as the central focus for people who want it as it just goes so much deeper and so much faster. There is lots of great info on the website here and more testimonials.

https://zencleanz.com/?ref=bvcaa60fko

My Rainbow cleanse experience

I started on a Sunday and I spent the week before preparing my body through eating lighter and gradually transitioning into liquids before I took the enzymes. It’s only one day long and they actually taste pretty delicious. After years of drinking ayahuasca, cactuses and bitter herbs to cleanse I was so relieved that they were so sweet and easy to take. The process is entertaining and the way the kit is set up is very aesthetically pleasing so I really enjoyed it. Naturally I felt a little uncomfortable from being full of all the liquids which made me feel a bit nauseas but it was super mild and only lasted a little while. I had energy to do light gardening all day and I was in a good mood. I did a lot of talking to my body and to the enzymes, thanking and trusting and relaxing.

I was honestly surprised that I didn’t have any cramping or fever or any healing crisis at all. The only thing I experienced in the first two days was massive loud gurgling and movement. I could tangibly feel the plaque dislodging from the walls of my colon. I felt very calm and focused my attention on trusting my body and the enzymes and relaxing. I was following the suggestions from the cleanse itself and doing lots of self massage to my colon and gentle movement to help loosen things up. I could feel there were hard and painful spots and something big was working it’s way through. I admit tho on day 2 and the morning of day 3, I thought maybe it wasn’t working because it was very quiet again and so gentle. The founder of the company, a former Buddhist monk, holds a very supportive space in the groups and I felt encouraged to not rush the process and to just enjoy it instead and let my timing be my own. It was really amazing to make a few connections with other people also going thorough the cleanses at the same time. Many of them have been using them for a couple of years and generously shared their experiences in support of us going through our first cleanse so it was a really beautiful experience and I felt honored to be a part of the community.

On day 3 in the afternoon I released 1.5 feet of drier, thinner mucoid plaque and some bigger more damp pieces. I felt so relieved and amazed and I thought that was all there was. I had an emotional release and felt very euphoric the rest of the night. The next day in the afternoon I released over 5 FEET of plaque that was damper and much thicker and lighter in color. It was very cathartic and exciting at the same time. It was so think and hard in some parts. To think that every time I ate something and tried to pass it – it had to move through that amount of resistance. The smell was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before too. Like someone had died.

Luckily I am not squeamish and found it fascinating and validating to inspect it. (Of course everything is don’t using gloves and chopsticks and in a sterile way) I know many of you are like me and will get into it. If you are squeamish tho – I will warn you once again to heed the “Warning: graphic content ahead” meme after the photos of the kit before you look at the photos at the end of the post.

I spent a year and a half doing 1-3 colonics a week + organ cleanses to heal my brain cancer 12 years ago – and I have been exploring different detox and natural healing practices since then. So I have a lot of experience in this area. One of the main focuses was removing parasites and their eggs through water, medicinal food and herbs. Keeping them out was about not allowing my body to be a suitable host. I feel like other methods chop away at the nest twig by twig, if you will, and this approach just dissolves the nest enough to remove it all at once.

I also did the liver flush on day 6. As I mentioned, you do an olive oil and lemon juice flush but there are no Epsom salts involved. Just as effective (maybe even more) with none of the suffering or drama.

The softening enzymes taste bland, lightly sweet and pleasant. Of course there was an hour of intensity after drinking the oil and laying down but it is truly a ceremonial experience and you can feel the toxins and flukes etc coming out of your liver. I processed a lot of anger and reactive, aggressive feelings on the day before, of and after. Since then I feel much softer and like I have so much more space inside. Extremely relaxed and so relieved. Like the well of patience within me has been refilled again to overflowing.

Day 9 of only water and enzymes. I experimented with some boiled celery water and my body seemed to really like it. I have let go of knowing when I will break my liquid fast and I am just listening to my body each day to see what it tells me. I’m so excited to see how I respond to different foods now that I have a clean slate and can actually absorb the nutrients. My palate has been reset also. Which brings me to another thing that I love about this is that all my sweet cravings are gone and I’m not hungry at all anymore. I want to keep going as long as possible with the liquids to get the most out of this cleanse and not rush out of the state that I’ve entered. I’m having the best sleep of my life and feel so excited to see how I feel over the next couple of months before I do another one. I think for the moment I am most impressed that my stomach relaxed is smaller than what my stomach used to look like sucking in. I can’t even push it out very far. The amount of volume that was released is truly mind blowing. I’m really looking forward to seeing how I feel as I continue to reintegrate solid foods and more movement.

One last thing. I will be using the information I learned from inspecting my plaque to make drastic changes in my diet. Apparently I have a lot of internal dampness and the 60%- 70% fruit diet, cold smoothies and lots of iced kombucha were only making that environment more damp. (Think excess stagnant water and too much sweetness) Such an incredibly valuable understanding to have. So I’m researching away following the guidelines of Traditional Chinese Medicine to design my diet for the next season, and see how I feel. I am now going to be focusing on warm curries and stews and staying away from the sweeter fruits and heavier oils for now. I love that eastern medicine is all about restoring balance and I’m really inspired to learn how to cook for myself in the way that my body needs now. I tried to do this on my own and found a lot of conflicting information – so it’s really important to have a guide to help you interpret and put in to practice your new understandings. I will be sharing more about my consult for that and the herbalist (Caitlin Woolery) I am working with to design my diet and herbal protocols in my next post. She actually read my tongue before I did the cleanse and told me exactly what it would show. And she was right!

I am so grateful that I found this company and that I gave myself the gift of this experience! I plan so do another 7 day Rainbow cleanse in a couple of months and I am experimenting with the maintenance enzymes as well. I will share more about my results as they unfold in the following weeks. Thank you for reading and witnessing my adventures and explorations ♥️🙏

Brain tumor protocol

Coconut oil pulling for 20+ minutes

Lemon in warm water on empty stomach

Tinctures by Dr. Shulze

2 x per day morning and night

Brain

Nerve

Heart

Echinacea

Biocidin formulas:

Anti parasitic drops Biocidin

Olivirex olive leaf extract

Proflora 4R probiotic spores

Bio tonic adaptogenic tonic

GI Detox gentle binder

Probiotics and systematic organ cleanses from Wellness of Life

Chlorophyll drops

Only organic and unprocessed Whole Foods

Only sprouted grains and sourdough breads

Cooking with only coconut oil or natural butter

Fruit and vegetable juices

(Beetroot and the greens with a whole lemon was one of my faves for liver detox)

Celery and carrot juice

Fruits & berries

Roots & greens

Cruciferous vegetables

Coconut juice with aloe vera cubes 1 – 3 per day

Kimchis & sourkrauts

Burdock root

Jerusalem artichoke

Garlic

Turmeric

Ginger

Cayenne pepper

Golden milk (turmeric, ginger, black pepper, honey and coconut oil in coconut milk)

Ginger, lemon and honey tea

3-7 liters of water per day

I was 90 % vegan/vegetarian for the first 4 months of my cleanse focusing on a mix of raw and macrobiotic (soft and easy to digest)

When I was doing 3 colonics a week I was more strict with my diet and as I began to heal and my tumor was rapidly dissolving I became more flexible with occasional hormone free meats, fish and dairy

Raw cheeses and probiotic spreads

Cbd and thc oils

Cannabis flower vaped, smoked and ingested

Yoga everyday

Bike riding (amazing for helping the bowels move)

Repressed sexual trauma and shame detox

Repressed rage and anger detox

Inner child healing

Shadow integration work

Energetic healing 1x per week

Deep tissue massage 1x per week

Colon hydrotherapy 1-3 x per week

Spiritual connection practices

https://www.herbdoc.com/specifics

https://biocidin.com/products/biocidin-liquid

https://biocidin.com/products/olivirex

https://biocidin.com/products/proflora-4r

https://biocidin.com/products/biotonic

https://biocidin.com/products/gi-detox

https://wellnessoflifeproducts.com/

http://wellnessoflifedavis.com/

https://tastenirvana.com/product-page/real-coco-aloe/

No matter how many times I experience this phenomenon, it never ceases to thrill me. I feel in awe of what can transpire within us in just a day. The last few days I was feeling so low. Sad, uninspired, confused and a little bitter. I felt a depression I haven’t felt in a long time. Another layer of shadows surfacing to be engaged. Another skin becoming uncomfortable and preparing to be shed. I felt a bit tired of shedding to be honest and was fucking over it. I wanted a break. I wanted to feel a sense of belonging. I felt so lonely and tired. I got lots of sleep but the day was stressful as my internet kept giving out during my sessions. This added to my feelings of agitation and frustration of feeling so uprooted. The transition felt like it had been a year already since leaving Peru and I felt every moment of it in my bones. Cranky and bitchy.

I got some lunch with my friend and we had a really great conversation and he’s a wonderful listener. I told him I was in a mood and feeling regretful and like maybe I had made a mistake moving here leaving such a perfect homestead with amazing community etc etc and maybe I was just crazy and impulsive etc etc… My friends first reaction was to say oh god don’t think like that! Don’t even go there! And I said but it’s TRUE. I need to go all the way into these feelings and fully engage them with deep approval for them to dissolve. Obviously I am here now and I’m going to continue creating my beautiful life but this doubt and questioning is just part of the process. So I honored where I was at and have myself all the permission in the world to feel everything that I was feeling and totally gave space to all of those “undesirable” thoughts and sensations.

Through hearing myself speak my truth I realized that there was nothing to do but be gentle with myself. To acknowledge how intense the last couple months have been for me and to just surrender to the uncomfortable feelings. My friend said some really helpful things about the nature of initiation. He reminded me that if I truly want to experience my most empowered and liberated self – that I am going to go through an unbelievably intense rite of passage in order to get there. That it’s supposed to be hard right now. That meeting every one of my doubts and confronting every fear I have is naturally going to be a bit stressful. He also reminded me that things that scared the living daylights out of me only a week ago I find laughable now. It’s been an amazing gift to have such a clear reflection from someone who has just met me here and has been my most present witness during my whole series of (mis?)adventures. I feel like I have been deep diving into the darkest of underwater caverns and that I finally just came up to the surface to breathe and regain my senses. In turning my focus to kindness and gentleness towards myself, I started to soften. It was ok to feel all of those things and that I was just going to hold my own hand and listen. I was just going to hold space for myself and fully experience it all.

That night I felt ready to give my first real offering to the land here in Mexico. I had so much resistance before and now I understand why. As I bled into the offering cups and filled them with herbs and oils, I immediately felt a peace come over me. Connecting with my prayers and the beauty of my pain. Tears filled my eyes as I felt everything start to flow and ground and integrate. I felt myself relax and surrender to it all.

As I worked on my book I started to feel so grateful to be here in Mexico and like I was about to now really meet her for the first time. All that seemed scary before just feels exciting now. There was a question of whether or not it was going to work out with this big beautiful house in April and I let that go too. That if it fell through that it just meant that somewhere else is calling me and that I would explore Valle de Bravo. It’s a beautiful lake town just a couple hours north of here and I let myself open up to really being led. Options opened up there as well and today I was offered an adorable cabin in the woods there. It is super small but sooo charming and brand new and would be a great place to set up a garden. I just received confirmation that the big house in Tepoz is mine for sure if I want it – I just have to wait until May instead. So do I want the secluded forest witch cabin and jump right back into creating a garden and having chickens etc… or do I want to stay in town in a palace with a pool? I can also do a raised bed garden there, but no birds. I really don’t know what I want, but I know I will when it’s time to make a choice! So now I have 5 weeks to explore Valle de Bravo and feel into both places. I know if I just keep listening to my heart I will find where I belong.

In the meantime I have a sweet little garden studio that is comfortable and has great energy. I’m feeling so grateful and inspired and I know this next chapter is going to rock my world. I can feel the magic inside me growing and I am ready to receive what I’ve got coming to me.

So if you are also feeling the heavies, I invite you to welcome them and listen to them and give deep approval to every single part of you that is expressing itself. Transmutation happens when we deliberately engage all that we would normally ignore or push away. The joy we are looking for is just on the other side of that pain we are avoiding. Feel it all, embrace it all, respect yourself and trust in your process. We are truly being led.

Sending you all so much love from wild and beautiful Mexico

If I thought that the energy of my weird landlords was intense – they paled in comparison to what I experienced next. Absolute peanuts. So instead of making my poor self wait another 3 days in that place where I did not feel comfortable with the owner – I decided to move out early the next morning and I kept my stuff at a friends house while I waited for the country house to be ready. They weren’t expecting me until Saturday but they were happy to do a quick clean and let me arrive early. I felt proud of myself for taking care of my inner children and apologized for even thinking of making them stay that long. I was promising to them that as soon as they speak up – I’m getting them to safety right away – not in three days. Again no amount of money loss would matter. The owner was very upset that I was leaving without telling him and kept asking me to come back but I made it clear that that was not going to happen and that I didn’t need a refund. Just to leave peacefully.

So now we are off to the country house in the woods. The first strange thing was when the woman, Mariana, wrote me saying that the address on the website was wrong and that she would send me the real location. Not only was in not in the same neighborhood at all – it was 25 minutes driving distance out of town. I figured that it might be too far for long term but that a nice retreat in the woods might be just what I needed. So we get out there and my taxi friend Victor was already laughing and teasing me saying “this is way too far away – you know I am going to be picking you up and moving you back to the center in no time!” I decided to just check it out and at least give it a chance. When we arrive the people are very nice but the house was 10 times more rustic than I had imagined. Chalupa loved the big yard though and seemed to light up when she had the chance to really run around. There was a really intense chemical smell throughout the whole house and at first it just seemed like they had just finished bleaching everything and that it would fade as the house aired out. I felt really disappointed that it wasn’t going to be my place but I made the decision to just enjoy the time I was there and to focus on being grateful that I was away from the creepy dude and closer to nature.

Chalupa and I take a walk on the expansive grounds and I notice that the forest seemed very dark and kind of spooky. The energy of the trees and everything just seemed kind of heavy and strange. I had been through a lot though and had not slept for more than a couple of hours did the last few nights so I just tried to focus on finally getting some rest. I wasn’t going to stay here long so might as well just enjoy it for what it was and start looking for my next place. I was feeling kind of negative and bummed out so I thought it might be a good time to have a little smoke and get myself in a better mood. So I have a little joint and I immediately feel my heart open and my system relax. I honestly felt great! I could laugh at my whole situation and look at it as an adventure that was dissolving my 8 years long writing block and just felt really connected to myself.

I look at the two bedrooms upstairs and decide to sleep up there as there was more windows and better air flow. The smell on the bedding and all over the house is really strong though and I was surprised that it hadn’t dissipated at all even with the windows open for a couple hours. I was able to get into this really great headspace anyway and started dancing around, deciding that I was going to enjoy my experience no matter where I was and that it was only temporary. At least I was safe and could relax.

So I start to burn some sage to cleanse and bless the house and hopefully clear some of the weird smell out of there. A giant and sudden wind starts to blow through the whole property and it was so strong that a couple of the windows slammed shut. As I go upstairs with the sage I notice that I start to feel kind of anxious. This was strange as I said I had just gotten into a really good mood and had surrendered to the situation for the night. As I walked around and saged the windows I started to feel agitated. I could have sworn I hear a voice say “don’t come up here” and I admit I told myself I had just smoked for the first time in a long time and it probably just brought up some of the built up anxiety to the surface. I brought my sheets upstairs to make up the bed in the room with the best airflow. And I hear a soft voice say “do not sleep up here.” I thought it was weird as it as so subtle but as I entered the room and started to make the bed I heard it louder and clearer, “I told you – do not sleep up here.” I’m starting to get goosebumps just writing this story. So I resist at first because I am starting to feel really agitated by the chemical smell and I really did not want to sleep in the room downstairs as it had the smallest amount of windows and breeze. Omg I must be so paranoid from this herb I thought to myself as I put the sheet on the bed. “Fine you can suit yourself – learn the hard way if you’d like.” Now this got my attention and I said to myself “nope! I have heard that phrase before and it never fails to deliver. I’ll go into the next room.”

I don’t know how I did not see this before this moment – but I look above the bed and hanging there is a large black and white painting that literally looks like someone drew a portal to Hell. Just violently scribbled black holes all kind of squished together and I immediately was like well THAT can’t be a nice energy to sleep under. Why would they have that here? Wtf?! Thanks for the warning, whoever was speaking to me. So I take the sheets out and I go into the other room next door and although I don’t know how I missed this when I first saw the room – there was a painting of a really gnarly looking demon right over the bed. It was not abstract, there was no artful interpretation happening here. It was a demon, without a doubt. Again I think to myself why the hell would anyone EVER want a painting like this in their own house – let alone a rental where you are trying to make folks feel comfortable?! Sure as fuck not sleeping in here either!

Now the voice returns and this time much louder and more clear “you need to leave. You are not wanted here” and I sure was listening now. The hairs stood up on my whole body and I started to feel a strong presence fill the upstairs. It made it very clear that I had pissed it off and it was now making itself known. I apologized for intruding on its space and for smudging. I told it/them “I respect you and your space and I’m really sorry – I will stay downstairs and not come back up here. You have your space up here I and will have mine downstairs. I won’t bother you and you will not bother me. Again – really sorry for the sage, this is your house and I will be out of here tomorrow morning.”

I feel myself shaking as I go down stairs and it’s probably midnight by now. I get into the downstairs bed and the smell had just gotten worse it seemed. Whatever they were using to wash/disinfect the house was seriously toxic. I started to feel my throat getting sore and my head was hurting.

I used some of my own towels for bedding instead but it barely helped.

Just breathing was really uncomfortable now. I started writing the landlord telling her that I was having some kind of a reaction to the cleaning chemicals, that it was way too far from the centro and that there was no way that I could stay here. I said it in a delicate way as to not offend her and at first she argued that it was non refundable and that no one had ever complained before. I told her that it would be really a huge loss for me to lose $1000 and that I would still have to do it because I was started to break out in hives. I told her I was straight up scared to stay in this place by myself and that I had to leave first thing in the morning. My saving grace was that the address was listed wrong on the website and that there was no arguing with that. Her tone softened and she started to cooperate – I’m sure wanting to avoid a cripplingly bad review. I write to Victor my angel in a taxi and my friend Jesus who was happy to arrange a room for me in his apartment building for the next day. It was only a small studio room but we had been there for a few hours that day waiting for the house to be ready and it has a huge garden and great energy. So I started to feel better knowing that I would be out of there the next morning early and that whatever was upstairs seemed to be ok with our agreement and was leaving me alone.

Almost as soon as I had the thought I felt a sharp and sudden anxiety come over me again and I knew I was in trouble. I’m a feeling and audio type psychic more than visual when it comes to energies but all of my senses were being overwhelmed. I saw and felt something enter my room and it looked exactly like the demon in the painting upstairs. I started to hear a low, raspy voice start to taunt me in all the ways you might expect. It told me that there was no escaping. That I should have left when I had the chance and that it had me now. It told me that I was never going to leave here and that I would never get rid of it. I had not felt something this dark or tangible for 12 years since my initial trainings on how to deal with malicious spirits. I started to tell myself that all of this was an opportunity to learn and that I was safe. The voice started becoming more sinister and began repeating in my ear “you are not safe. You are NOT safe. YOU ARE NOT SAAAAAAFE!!!!!” I felt it begin to attack me for real and for a moment I believed that it was right. My heart started racing out of my chest. Panic started to course through my veins and every cell was filled with terror. That familiar hot and cold feeling pouring down through my head that makes you feel like you are going to pass out or die right on the spot. In that moment I wanted to run but I couldn’t move. My mind flashed to calling Victor to pick me up right then and the voice answered with a disturbing chuckle, “he won’t get here in time. Your blood will paint these walls. There is no help for you. You are alone and you are mine.”

I felt as afraid as I possibly could for what seemed like an eternity and yet I know it was only a few moments. I truly felt like I was doomed and that I was going to be one of those white chicks murdered by a demon in the forest that will be a mystery for years to come. The visions I saw in my head were full of torture, terror and hellish debauchery. I saw some really horrible things happening to children in that house that made me feel sick to my stomach.

For this long moment – I felt sure I was meeting my end and it was the worst fucking case scenario imaginable. I wish I could say more eloquently what happened next – but something very powerful inside of me awoke and intervened. Right before I felt myself about to faint, a light within me started to grow and it spoke without words right to my heart. I was able to gain consciousness enough to remember the truth. “I reclaim any power I have given to you. You cannot harm me. You cannot kill me, you cannot hurt me, you can only scare me. There is nothing you can do to me because I do not give to the power to do it.” This creature bared its teeth and told me I was wrong and that it was indeed my end. The light continued to grow brighter and stronger and was now surrounding my body like a cocoon. “No, you are wrong. I am the sovereign authority of myself and I am all powerful. I have dominion over all spirits in my reality and you cannot harm me. I reclaim the power I have given to you to make me feel afraid. I bless you. You cannot scare me and you can not make me hate you. You cannot force me to battle with you. I have dominion over you and I am full of Divine Love. You cannot harm me. You cannot scare me. I am the endless Love of God and I bless you! I bless you. I bless you, I bless you and I love you. There is nothing you can do to make me not love you.”

In the instant that I was able to fully access the Love that I am the room exploded with light and the spirit was literally flown out of the room – back upstairs. I couldn’t believe how quickly I went from feeling the ultimate terror to the ultimate peace. I was so calm and peaceful and even felt an intense joy. So much relief overwhelmed me and I was even able to sleep for a couple of hours. I did not have any more experiences that night. The next morning I was up and ready to go by sunrise and I was feeling so expanded and inspired by what I had experienced the night before. It was the most tangible and dramatic attack I had experienced in over a decade and I felt renewed and fascinated more than anything. I have had many experiences with entities in the first few years of my practice and I learned very quickly that it was the unconditional love that kept me safe and that these energies are parasitic and vampiric. That they have only the power you give them and that when you have nothing for them to attach to you literally become invisible to them. So just like dealing with vampiric people – when you take your attention and the power you are giving them away – they are nothing. I was so fascinated by how remedy was the same principles of dealing with narcissists- this was just the higher octave. I’ve known all of this for years. I teach it to my clients ever day. Yet it’s one thing to know something conceptually and another to apply that concept when you are highly triggered and scared out of your mind.

I really wanted to take a photo of the paintings to show you all because I thought no one will believe how insane these things are! There were also in both rooms paintings of Egyptian hieroglyphs which I thought was interesting. However the moment I stepped foot on the stairs a voice warned me “Do not come back up here. If you take a photo they will come with you. Portal.” and of course I jumped off the stairs like it was hot lava. “Yes of course, sorry to disturb!” I replied with my hands up, “Thank you for the reminder and I’ll be on my way now.” Some of you might think I’m insane for even thinking of going back up there or wanting to take a photo but it just shows you how protected and solid in myself I was feeling. I truly felt amazing and untouchable. Everything that had happened in the last few weeks seemed to pale in comparison from this spiritual attack – so anything that wasn’t on that level just felt like nothing. It was like it put things into perspective and I felt so alive.

When Victor arrived he took one look at me and said “well you look awfully cheerful for the night that you just had. Get in and you can tell me all about it.” And I did. He also confirmed that this was an obvious test and that he was glad that I was so well equipped to handle it and that I seemed so excited instead of traumatized. I then got to the beautiful garden apartment of my friend Jesus and he listened to me for hours last night as I shared and processed. Once I was in a safe place I had a lot of tears come out and I had some really profound realizations.

In my research into the darker parts of life over the past few years I have come across the very disturbing reality of child sexual abuse on the darkest and most extreme levels. I don’t want to go into it here but the things I have seen and heard had traumatized me and I adopted the belief that there must be a darker force “outside of human nature” that was so evil it must be from another place. That it was so evil that it must be hated and despised. I did not see another way. As I spoke to my friend Jesus about this and he argued that everything comes from the same Source. I started to get really anxious again and started to feel really uncomfortable. I asked him to stop talking and just let me express what was coming up or I was probably going to have a panic attack. As I started to process it became clear that whatever I did not love had power over me. Whatever I feared or hated by natural law had power over me. Whatever I rejected and disowned as outside of creation would have an influence over me. I spoke to the part of me who had felt so traumatized by seeing the proof of widely spread child torture and sex abuse. I spoke to the part of me that feared that these people involved in such atrocities would somehow escape justice and that they would win. That they would be able to stay hidden and protected by the current global system and that we were headed into a darker reality than most people could imagine. If you have looked into the darker aspect of the NWO, you know what I’m talking about. I let myself feel all of that pain, all of that trauma, all of that helplessness. I let myself grieve for all the children who have been through what I saw and grieve for the people who have died or been ostracized trying to save them. I healed the wound that had been making me think that there is any force stronger than the truth. Stronger than love.

Only by fully acknowledging my fears did they start to dissolve. So as I cried out all of the pain and fear in my heart I felt the space inside me start to fill with trust and love. I started to feel the presence of everything good and holy in the world consume me and our entire plane. I let go of the trauma that kept me from feeling the truth – that all will be revealed. That all that is hidden in darkness is coming to light. That all forces who thrive in the shadows are being dissolved as each courageous human heart awakens to hold this light in their bodies. Each moment another hundred people are reclaiming their sovereign authority and that nothing is more powerful than the truth. I remembered that Divine Love is the most powerful force in the universe. That it loves the unlovable and forgives the unforgivable. That it has no limits and therefore can never be stopped. This holy light of the ultimate love shines upon the deepest and oldest darkness and that nothing that receives this light goes unchanged. That this was the only thing that is truly real. That I am here to experience this darkness and to shine the light of our loving Creator onto it. That if I AM this endless and most powerful love – then I never needed to be afraid, of anything, ever again. I sobbed as I felt my whole heart open and I let this light fill me. Every drop of fear poured out and I let peace fill me. I let freedom fill me. I let power fill me. I let compassion and trust in this sacred process fill me. I left the battlefield. I left the war. I reclaimed my rightful place as the Creator of my reality and I reminded myself “what is the darkness, after all, once the light is shone upon it?”

I felt myself expand to absorb the whole world. I felt my choice ripple through the dimensions and encompass every inch of this plane. I felt myself connect to the timeline where truth wins. Where love wins. Where humanity is ready to learn the easier way and that we break free of all spells cast on us by weaponizing our fears. I saw each person reclaiming their sovereignty and a thriving world of free folk living in harmony with nature and each other. I saw the end of suffering on this planet. At this moment fireworks started going off everywhere and I felt myself truly let go. It was now the equinox and the last day of the astrological new year. These fireworks felt like they were all just for me. I feel in my bones the events in my own microcosm were a reflection of the whole and that I had made a profound choice that night. I had the best sleep I have had in weeks.

So I sit here now in my tiny but glorious studio apartment full of gratitude. I am in awe of life and everything that I am learning and remembering through my adventures. I feel like I had the happiest, easiest most peaceful life in Peru and it was like the Shire. I left on my pilgrimage to Mordor and I feel like I just successfully dropped the ring into the fire. I needed to meet all of subconscious and unconscious fears in order to embody the next version of myself and I have done exactly that. I feel so relieved and so intimate with myself.

Besides the reward of all this personal growth.. life has awarded me the ultimate upgrade from every house I’ve ever lived in. I still have another couple of weeks in this temporary place until I’m able to move.. but this new home is so worth waiting for. I can’t believe how quickly the perfect place opened up once I completely let go and opened my heart. Sometimes what seems like delays are really just life preparing massive blessings for you while you do the work to be ready to receive them ❤️

Thank you for following us along on our journey and I hope you are enjoying these stories and transmissions

Life is making it so obvious it is almost like a comedy. My very first conversation IN THE DRIVEWAY with the owner of this house yesterday said it all. Without knowing anything about my story he said to me “why did you leave your last place? Was the owner obsessed with you and didn’t want you to go? I can see why – you are so beautiful and impressive I can understand.” As I briefly mentioned yesterday I drew a boundary and said that I really didn’t want that kind of attention but I was so fried that I didn’t have it in me to let that scare me off right away and just get back into the car. He seemed receptive enough that I told myself it was just an opportunity to be assertive and I would see how we go. 🚩

Aside from the unwanted vibes and while this new place has a great aesthetic and view – poor Chalupa cannot scale the spiral staircase and we might as well be in an apartment as I have to bring her down to potty and it’s stressful for both of us as she is used to being a free range little baby who can come and go as she pleases. There are no fans so I sweat my tits off all night and couldn’t really sleep. The landlord lives in a small room right underneath the chalet and he has continued to want more attention from me than I want to give. Last night he was encouraging me to do a long term lease with him and kept saying this is my house.. he wanted to bring me firewood and wine and I told him what I needed was space and solitude. He agreed and left me alone. (Who the hell would want a fire in this heat?!)

I slept in this morning and when I go to wash up there is no water. Instant annoyance but it’s normal in Tepoztlan so I use my bottled water and I bring chalupa outside to relieve herself. As soon as I’m outside the landlord immediately starts to engage me. I normally would “not want to be rude” but I just said straight up look this is a great place and I’m thankful for your hospitality but I just woke up and I am not ready to have a conversation. He said oh of course so sorry and made himself scarce. I could feel tho that he was disappointed that he’s not having the riveting friendship that he seems to want to have with me. So I sit on the patio overlooking the view and start writing in my journal. I acknowledge that I don’t like the expectations and pressure I am already feeling and as I write the words “am I just exhausted and grumpy or am I picking up on a needy landlord take-two red flag situation?” I kid you not y’all – water starts pouring from the roof right above my head and starts to flood the balcony and my bedroom where all my clothes are!!! I run into the room and move all my suitcases out of the water. I started laughing because it was just such dramatic timing!

The landlord comes rushing out saying “oh no I forgot to close the thing last night and now the tank is losing all the water that was just delivered!” I tell him it’s flooding the bedroom and he runs up with a bucket to start mopping it up. I say it’s ok it was obviously an accident but his mood has shifted big time. His whole energy has changed and he is visibly frustrated with himself and he starts to mumble about how expensive of a loss this is for him. I decide to come down to the grass with Chalupa as I felt my nervous system activate – again. I had that familiar panicky feeling come over me and I was like here we go again – feeling trapped!

Feeling pressured and feeling in way too close of quarters with this dude for my reclusive self. So instead of ignoring my anxiety and trying to talk myself out if it – I thank it and say I’m listening to you – I’m here for you and I’m getting us out of here. Instead of waiting for another red flag – I look to my Airbnb and I just happen to have a message waiting for me from a woman who has a house in the ideal neighborhood saying that she hopes I am still interested in booking the house for a few days to feel it out and see if I would like a direct contract and a longer term lease. I had totally forgotten about this place in all of the drama and it had not been showing up in the listing! It is surrounded by nature and completely private – no landlord on site or close neighbors. It’s a little more rustic but has all of the most important things that we have been looking for. So I booked it and we will be arriving there on Saturday. My anxiety immediately left and now I feel so excited and relaxed and renewed! Red flags are not red flags anymore – they are deal breakers. No more needing more than one intuitive hit for me that something is a bit off. (Well to be fair – more than two hits! 😂) I trust my body now and listen to all of my uncomfortable feelings as sacred messengers guiding me towards my highest and best life. Ahhh this is another massive leveling up and I’m feeling so confident and free. The body always knows. We don’t feel anything for no reason and I finally trust enough to understand what I’m trying to tell myself.

Thank you for coming on this adventure with us! We will send you photos when we arrive on Saturday! Love y’all and I hope this sharing continues to be helpful and a source of encouragement to trust yourselves too!

The seemingly perfect relationship with my landlord turned toxic really fast and I ended up having to pack up and move Chalupa and I to a new place on a day’s notice. I sacrificed my deposit and hundreds of dollars in rent that I had paid there and I’m so grateful that I now prioritize my emotional and mental well being over any amount of money or discomfort. I admit I am feeling really vulnerable and absolutely fried emotionally.

The red flags started waving in my face the first time she visited in person and she went from zero to stage 5 clinger in a day. I gave her a healing session as a gift and naturally she had a really powerful experience. She cried and said I was the teacher she has always been looking for and that was all fine.. but the vibe quickly turned weird and she started saying victimy things like “where have you been?!? Where have you been all this time?!? I have been all alone and suffering and you weren’t here!” 😳 I immediately felt my heart and my stomach switch places when I felt her starting to latch onto me. She lives in another state however and so I thought I’d only have to deal with her once a month when I paid my rent. In our conversation about my renting her house she started to say that she wanted “stay close to me” and declared that she was going to build a room on the property so that we could do sessions all the time. I set a very clear boundary that I needed my privacy and that wasn’t going to be an option. Then she decided she was going to rent a place nearby so that she could come and see me. I told her that we could work together but that the boundaries needed to be very clear and firm and that I was only so available. She then insisted that I give her sessions as part of the rent since she was “losing so much money by renting to me long term”.. and the guilt trips began. All my alarms were already going off but this really made me squirm. Helping people identify and leave their narcissistic relationships is an area of speciality of mine and this was showing all the signs of an epic shit show in the making. We went next door to her sisters house for a bbq that night and they were all very nice to me but visibly tried to ignore this woman – we will call her Mary – and it became very clear why. Only 2 hours in she started a screaming match with her daughter and son in law in front of everyone and it was just so toxic and insanely dramatic. I left to go back to my house and I just shut down from the disillusionment. My perfect paradise now felt like a prison. I was also now entering into that level 9 tooth pain and I was being totally taken out by it. She even entered my house late that night unannounced crying her eyes out wanting comfort from me and that was the last straw if the fucking day. She was in such denial of her own toxicity and the part she played in what had happened that it became crystal clear that she was literally incapable of taking responsibility for herself. I told her that it was super inappropriate and that all of my boundaries were being crossed and that she needed to leave.

Luckily the next day my tooth pain was so bad that I had the dental surgery excuse to rest for two weeks and not engage with her. She went back to her home a plane ride away and I began my really dark process. I left out ten other red flag boundary crossings for the sake of brevity and not needing to remove them to make my point. I felt so trapped and it activated all of my remaining fears of receiving the wrath of a malignant narcissistic. I had to wait a week before my extraction for the antibiotics to do their thing so I had nothing to do but rest and feel everything. So much anxiety took over me and I had some really panicky moments feeling like I was not going to get myself out of there without a big drama. I was more right than I could have expected.

I was clear that I needed space and time to focus on myself and that we could resume the conversation when I was healed up. She surprisingly gave me that space and stopped constantly texting me but it turns out she was just charging up the crazy and saving it all up for the grand finale freak out.

When I was on the other side of my tooth extraction healing I started looking for some other houses but nothing really worked out as Airbnb has really screwed the market rates for long time renters and locals. However I wanted to give her as much notice as possible to hopefully minimize the blow of telling her I had changed my mind and needed to go after a month and a half instead of a year.. in our verbal agreement I had 2 months to see if the internet was sufficient for me work and decide if I was going to stay long term. So I was in the bounds of that agreement. When I told her very politely that the house did not work out for me afterglow (I kept it very practical and made it not about her) at first she was ok with it it seemed. Then I started receiving the guilt trips again and her insisting that I still give her a bunch of free sessions because I owed her. I delicately told her that I don’t judge her at all but that my boundaries had been crossed so many times that it was not a healthy dynamic for me and that I did not want to continue a relationship. This threw her into a literal psychosis and she began to attack me and my character – all the expected stuff. Knowing so well that folks like her are motivated by one thing and one thing only – narcissistic supply. She was trying to hey me to give her an emotional reaction and I just refused to do it. When she couldn’t upset me she started to say that I needed to leave the house a week earlier than the move out date. No problem at all I said, I’ll be out of there by then. Then she kind of disappeared which was weird but I thought wow maybe I already convinced her that she wasn’t going to get a reaction out of me so she’s looking for a new source to terrorize. That night I get a call from the sweetheart house manager – Liz and her husband Juan who is the gardener. They said they needed to come over and talk to be about something and when I resisted they said it was urgent and that there were injustices happening towards me and that I needed to know what was going on. I immediately felt my nervous system go into survival mode and I felt all the familiar panic of feeling under threat. However I reminded myself of what this was all about and I calmed myself down and got back into my peace in a record amount of time. My ten minute walk home was my grounding meditation to reclaim any power I had given away to her and that my stress was exactly the juice she was looking for.

So they come over and tell me that she had been calling Liz all day in absolute hysterics. First she told them that she was going to call the police and tell them that I had never paid any rent and was there illegally refusing to leave. Then the story was that she was going to have a lawyer call me with an ultimatum to pay her for a year or go to jail. She seemed to escalate by the moment and told them to cut the lights and water to my house. When they refused she said she would send someone else to do it. So this is when they wanted to tell me what was going on and offer to help me move out of there as soon as possible. They are both sensitive and spiritual people and they understood exactly what I meant when I explained energy vampirism and how the most important thing was to stay peaceful and not allow her to stress me out. I explained how narcissists can’t be without a source so if a well is dry of drama and emotional responses she will be forced to focus on finding a new victim and leave me alone. It’s natural law. We had a really beautiful bonding experience and they were grateful for the clarity and the permission to not engage. I had most of our conversations about the rent over text so I had proof I had done nothing wrong if she did end up sending someone over to the house to talk to me. I just refused to give her any power to hurt me and there’s nothing she could do to me anyway.

So she did not end up sending anyone to cut the lights but she did move the move out date to two weeks sooner. When I still didn’t react and agreed she moved it to two days from then and that she was coming in person. It was very clear she was looking to have an altercation and was excited about it. So when I learned this I immediately packed up all of my things and a sweet place far on the other side of town appeared out of nowhere that had not been showing up before in e listings and I booked it right away.

I did not sleep a wink last night. It wasn’t like an obvious anxiety and I could tell that I had gone into a major high alert coping mode and it was very strange. I couldn’t cry or access any feelings at all. I was in a high functioning survival mode and to the outside I appeared solid as a rock. This morning it started to hit me more and it was really intense. A lot of sweating and deep breathing and soothing myself.

This afternoon my new friends picked me and took me to my new spot. They held space for me while I cried for a few minutes from relief in the car and they handed me some really strong cbd oil drops and a cigarette and just let me cry it out. I haven’t been smoking or partaking in a single vice the whole time I have been here and it was absolute bliss to have a little outside help right in that moment. We all knew better than to focus on it all but they made a joke about the woman saying to watch me so that I didn’t “steal the refrigerator” and we busted up laughing and the healing began.

So here I am in my new place high up in the mountains starting to finally land from the whirlwind of the past 3 days. I felt like fucking hell and just really uprooted and vulnerable and pissed off all afternoon but now I’m feeling myself start to soften and let go. I only have this place for a week but the owner here has invited me to stay as long as I want to. It’s not ideal long term as there is a spiral staircase to the entrance that makes it impossible for chslupa to come and go as she pleases but it’s so wonderful for now and I’m so grateful. Its safe and nice and has a killer view. The landlord is an older man who started kind of flirting with me and I can’t tell you how easy it was to shut that down and make myself clear that I did t want any kind of attention from him. So far he’s backed off and been respectful but I can tell you I won’t wait around to learn the harder way this time if he can’t keep his thoughts to himself. I was like Jesus Christ life do you have to test me right away?!? Aye caramba give me a day to integrate this one first por favor.

So I went to see another place today for the longer term and it was so stunning and has a park for a yard – just unbelievable property. I’m waiting to hear back from them and another place so I’m going to be in limbo for a little while. I’ve been stationary in Peru for years and found security in my reclusive hermetic life. My home was always my sanctuary and I can feel how powerful it is for me now to have to move around a lot here. Not really knowing anyone and needing to rely totally on myself to navigate this has me feeling really vulnerable but I know the expansion is coming. Learning to just anchor into the home inside of my heart and know that everything is always working out for me. It’s ok if it takes me a while to find my place and my people here. It’s safe to feel vulnerable and to be in the unknown. I’m really grateful for all of the experiences I have had in my life that have helped me to love myself enough to sever ties with toxic people sooner than later and to learn the easier ways.

I’m sure I have some big cries ahead of me when I finally fully relax and I am so looking forward to feeling that relief. For now I am focusing on fiercely caring for myself and all the inner children inside of me that are activated and needing my attention and affirmation. I’m so grateful to have my sweet Chalupa on my lap right now as I write this and the tears are finally starting to fall a little bit. Life is giving us constant opportunities to overcome our fears and limitations and I already feel very grateful for the chance to see how far I have come in how I navigated this. It used to take me months, then weeks then days to reclaim my peace when I’ve been ruthlessly attacked in the past and this time it’s so much easier and so much faster. Being gentle and patient and kind with myself is the only thing that matters now. I am looking forward to a really deep sleep and to letting my nervous system unwind for the first time in what feels like months now. I will do anything to protect myself from harmful energies and I am reminded that the most powerful protection of all is Divine Love. Filling myself up with so much unconditional love for myself that nothing wanting to harm can even penetrate.

There’s a reason this woman abruptly stopped writing to me and started doing everything through Liz – because she wasn’t able to get a reaction from me. I can’t tell you how proud I feel of myself and the work I have done around this. Coming from a lot of childhood trauma with a father who controlled me through aggression, threats and intimidation – this is a sign of healing on the most profound levels for me. I know that I am only going to become more empowered and more free. I can’t wait to meet the version of me on the other side of this big transition and I am embracing every moment of the painful journey of initiation. No one can do anything to you that you don’t give them power to do. Our attention is the most powerful thing that we have and I am putting mine on gratitude, grace and the home inside of myself.

Thank you for reading and I hope this is helpful to some of y’all. Lots of love from Mexico

Last night I fully experienced the depths of my own darkness and what felt like the darkness of my entire ancestry. The emotional decay that had been backed up and stored and festering for centuries overwhelmed me and took me beyond my limits. Even with my years of experience in shadow integration work – there were moments where I thought the torture would never stop and that I would never see the light again. It was as if all the joy had been sucked from the world and would never return. I was sure I would be stuck in the Underworld for all eternity and in the peak of it – I felt like I deserved nothing less than that. So much rage and hatred and resentment was exploding out of me like a volcano of fire and destruction. And I really did want to destroy everything and everyone in my path. It was wild, uncontrollable and all consuming.

I was silently fuming, seething and snarling like a beast inside. I felt like my aura was spiky and black like a giant evil sea urchin. Even Chalupa was reflecting this back to me in a dramatic way and she wanted nothing to do with me. She was hiding under a table crouched down in defense. She would bare her adorable little teeth and growl at me every time I tried to come near her. When I would try to pick her up she would snap and bark at me like I was a stranger. It made me feel really sad at first but then just made me feel more angry. At one point I forced her and picked her up anyway she straight bit me on my face when I kissed her little head. (Not hard of course – but she made it clear that she wanted to be far away from the hot lava from Hell that I was exuding from every pore.) This threw me into a dramatic wave of despair and resentment and the real purge began.

Living in the city with close neighbors and unable to scream with no tears to be found inside – there was nothing I could do but start to write in my journal. I felt truly desperate to give an outlet to the anguish inside of me. I felt all the hatred in the world since the beginning of time being funneled through my small frame and I truly wanted to die. My fingers were holding the pen so tight that it’s ridges were digging into my skin making it red and raw. The tip of the pen scraping through the paper making small rips as I assaulted my notebook. Unbridled fire surged through me as I felt and expressed my undying hatred for every single person and every single thing in this life. It was not reasonable or logical. It was insanity. It was wild abhorrent disgust and malice. It was a purge of all the disowned madness and mindless hate of mankind and I was being forced to feel every drop of it and claim it as my own. It was the disowned darkness of every person in my lineage all the way back as far as I could see. The ancestral shadow that was my inheritance and that was mine alone to heal and transform.

My personal story started to come into play. Rage and hatred towards every person who I felt had ever hurt me, used me, undervalued me or taken me for granted in some way was demanding my undivided attention. Unbearable and inescapable resentment towards myself for giving my power away and allowing any and all abuses of my life. The abuses of all my lifetimes. Why am I always giving so much and receiving so little in return? Why am I not fully valued and seen and supported when I am constantly in service to others? Why are folks so comfortable taking the best of me and giving me scraps in return for helping them transform their lives – sometimes in a matter of minutes? Why can I listen to my friends for hours on end and when it’s my turn to receive support they can only project onto me and give me advice instead of just holding the same space of silence in return? Why am I so uncomfortable asking for what I deserve when those with a tenth of my experience or skill feel so comfortable? I felt so bitter and full of confusion. Trapped in a dungeon of rage and resentment. I felt so disconnected from everyone in my life and it all went dark. I felt like Hell was swallowing me up and demanding that I make myself at home there. A force within me was holding me down and compelling me to fully experience it in every cell of my body. It was begging me to listen to it instead of try to make it stop.

So I claimed it. I felt it all. I expressed it without fearing it, shaming it, guilting it, resisting it or making it wrong. I apologized to myself and every person in my ancestry who had never healed. I apologized for all of the ways I had allowed myself to be hurt and undervalued and gave myself permission to be this bitter, rageful creature. I validated every dark feeling and expressed my deep respect for this destructive part of myself. Honoring it for how powerful it was. As I bowed down to the pain and surrendered to its seemingly endless wrath – I began to feel a softening. Something was shifting and I knew I was starting to break through.

I thanked this darkness and asked it to destroy all that needed to be destroyed within me and in my life. With this permission, the red hot flames turned their attention from torture to transmutation. This holy fire started to burn away all of my fear. All of my doubt in myself started to dissolve. All that was keeping me from creating the life I desire and deserve was losing its hold on me and I no longer felt afraid. Of anything. The ancient chains that had been binding me and keeping me separate from my true power started to break and fall away. I saw how much I was still motivated by trying to please others at the expense of myself in certain areas of my life. I saw clearly how I have been creating situations that cause me pain and scarcity. The tears finally started to flow and Chalupa came to be by my side.

I fell asleep with my pen in my hand and the lights were still on.. All night I had vivid almost lucid dreams that I was flying and teaching everyone else around me that they could fly too. It was the most amazing sensation of freedom. I found my “dream home” in the dreamscape which I have been searching for for years and usually never find. I was surrounded by sisters with flowers in their hair and sexy tattooed men (I have been celibate and withdrawn sexually for almost 9 months now so it felt like a re-awakening of my erotic self) I was in paradise.

I normally wake up around 7 and today I effortlessly slept in until past 10. I woke up feeling so calm. So soft and empty. A profound silence in my mind and stillness in my heart. Light and clear and truly un-afraid of things that I was drowning in just the night before. Things that felt so far away and out of reach now feel like they are already inside of me – mine for the claiming and enjoying. I am so relieved and grateful. I feel reborn from the ashes once again. Chalupa is more in love with me than ever today and she seems to be feeling much more peaceful than she has been since she arrived with her own travel trauma to heal and integrate. Colors are brighter and hummingbirds surround me as I write this on my porch.

In order to alchemize something, we have to embody it. We have to fully experience it. Observing and acknowledging is not enough. I had to embrace it, welcome it and deeply approve of it in order to transform it. No more disowning and bypassing as just “processing for the collective” .. I am the collective and I have all the dark and light, all the joys and terrors of this world inside of me. This inherited shadow was was a reflection of my own microcosm. My own capacity for hatred, malice and cruelty. In my personal life – seeing how putting the needs of others before my own had created that monster inside. Not asking for what I truly want and need and ignoring the resentment had made it grow into something impossible to ignore. That sacred rage was there to help me. I had to take responsibility. To thank the resentment towards myself and others as a messenger of new boundaries needing to be drawn. To listen to it and apologize to myself for allowing these trespasses and for teaching the world how to treat me in a way that is less than what I give.

If others have not valued me it’s because I have not valued me. If others give me crumbs when I give them the world it’s because I have accepted crumbs. I show everyone in my life how to treat me based on how I treat myself and by what I allow. If I am not receiving on the level that I would like – it’s because on some level I am not actually receptive. How freeing and empowering this is! My experience of lack is not mysterious. It’s not some random thing that “keeps happening to me”- it’s something I am creating with the choices I make every day.

We have a really good reason for everything that we feel and everything that we do. As we learn to truly listen to ourselves in each moment – we stop creating reserves of unexpressed emotion that need to be emptied out in violent ways. When we listen to “negative” feelings and undesirable emotions we see that they are full of wisdom and are within themselves intuitive guidance. Welcome your darker feelings and shine the light of deep approval onto them. They will then reveal their sacred messages and transform into clarity and love.

I feel so ready to listen now. So ready to choose myself. So ready to ask for what I deserve and to say a graceful and joyful “no thank you” to anything that is not in alignment with that. Thank you for reading and I look forward to hearing how this resonates with you as we integrate this collective shadow together.